I haven't forgotten...

 It has been nearly a year and a half since writing here.  I have gotten pregnant and had a baby since.  I have finished this chapter of my life.  I will no longer bring a baby into this world.  I am ready for a new chapter...but I am going to miss this one.

Tonight I was ready for bed at 7...I was so tired.  I found myself wrestling a restless baby instead.  I took her into Christian's office so she could crawl around and not disturb anyone.  I sat down the the exercise ball he keeps in there and watched her.  I was feeling cranky and longed to sleep.  Then I looked around the room and remembered what that room once was.  Emmy's room.  I pictured where her crib and then toddler bed went.  I remembered sitting on the floor and wrapping her in Declan's bedding as I sang her to sleep.  I remembered that broken hearted mother who had no idea she would carry two more babies and bring them home safe.  The fresh pain that would wash over her as she ran her fingers over Emmy's beautiful curls wishing she could hold her baby son and kiss his chubby cheeks.

Sometimes it doesn't feel real.  It almost feels like a story I heard somewhere.  Sometimes I am sad that it doesn't hurt like that anymore.  Sometimes I am grateful it doesn't hurt that much.  Sometimes grief still catches me by surprise even though it has been over a decade.

I still miss him.  I am happy in life...but I miss him.  I will always miss him.  I have two rainbow babies that have soothed my aching heart.  (I had a miscarriage before my youngest, but that is another story for another day.)

Life is busy and hard and lovely and now full of my children.  Many years ago I wasn't sure if I would get to have more.  I thought Emmy might end up my baby.  But God saw what I needed when I needed it.  I will never forget those tender moments of my shattered heart painfully, but deeply loving my living children as I tried to make sense of what had happened.  They were sweet and terrible...and I cherish them still.

Encouragement...

I haven't been on here for over a year.  I fell out of the habit of coming here when I needed to think.  I am not sure why.

As I watched the world change nearly overnight I have thought of coming here often.  Time has been hard to find these days.  One would think being stuck at home would lend itself to more time for this.  It didn't.  I have 3 kids to make sure they are getting school work done, I have to feed them, make sure they are okay after all this insanity, and somehow keep the house somewhat clean.

Last summer we had a feeling we should move back to our home.  The problem was Christian has a job in a different state.  So I have been doing this alone since last year.  It has been a growing experience.  I have learned several things...but the three that have been most profound are first, I love Christian even more than I thought and appreciate the security and love he offers me each day.  Second, I am more capable than I give myself credit for.  Lastly, and definitely not least, is there is power in prayer.  Of course I always knew most of these things, but I took them for granted most days...even while I have been doing this by myself.  As I was feeling the weight of everything the world turned upside down and I felt the blow most profound being here alone.

I cried to Christian and felt the panic rise inside.  How am I supposed to do this without him?  I nearly broke down in Trader Joe's seeing the empty shelves.  How do I keep my family safe?  I thought of all those who have lost their spouses and this is how it always is.

I have had to lean on my my Heavenly Father to get me through each day.  I have had a lot of small miracles and angels love me from 6 feet away.  I am humbled how much help I receive from texts of encouragement or checking on me.  My family sent me a huge package with fun stuff for the kids, but also toilet paper I have struggled to procure.

I know I am not alone in feeling grateful we are all healthy.  My heart breaks for those losing loved ones and not being there to say goodbye.  As someone who has had to bury a child I can't imagine not being able to say goodbye.  I can't imagine not having everyone at the funeral you want to invite.  I can't imagine adding grief to this already scary time.

Last weekend we had a conference where we listen to our leaders speak.  It was definitely different than it usually is.  Usually there are many who attend from all over the world.  There is a huge choir to sing beautiful hymns.  However, instead they had used choir performances from previous conferences.  It stung to see the many people in the audience on those past years.  It was hard to see just the small gathering where the speakers were spaced 6 feet apart.  There were no shaking hands or hugs.  But despite what was lacking, there was much gained by the powerful words of encouragement.  They articulated all those feeling that I haven't be able to express.

Today we join in a fast with anyone who wants to join, no matter their religion or beliefs.  I knelt in prayer with my 6 year old this morning and had him offer the prayer.  He simply said, "Please bless the people of the world will feel better."  It couldn't have been said more eloquently.  My prayer is that we will be able to heal whether physically, emotionally, and/or financially.  I pray Christian will be able to join his family.  I pray that we will remember this time and be grateful for simplicity in life.  I have been grateful for the time to be with my children.  I do love having them around and not being so busy with outside activities.  I know they miss school and friends, but it is nice to just connect as a family.  I have watched the blow ups, but also the loving way they care for each other.  We had a scare and our dog was sick and all my kids were worried for him.  They have already lost a dog...and they worried it would happen again.  Luckily, he is fine.  Now the kids snuggle him a little tighter and are more patient...for the most part...than they have been.  May we not take for granted the things we are lacking now.

God bless you all!

One of my least favorite times of the year...

I have mentioned I have the lovely genetic mutation for breast and ovarian cancer in previous posts.  This has been a huge challenge in my life the last four years.  It has nearly robbed me of my sanity.

This month is one of the lovely tests I undergo every six months.  It is the worst one.  MRI.

I am super claustrophobic and it is very hard for me.  The first test I literally had to tell myself, "You have no other choice, except surgery.  You have to do this.  Don't you dare freak out!"

I had to pray to just get through the test.

I made it.

This has been a terrible and wonderful journey.  I hate knowing.  I wish sometimes I hadn't found out.  I can't "unknow" this.  Once I found out I couldn't just pretend it wasn't there.

I had to relearn who I am.  I rather like the woman I found in the rubble.  But it was the worst feeling not knowing who I was anymore.

I had to find my faith again.  Declan pushed me to the beginning of who I was and if there was a God.  That I will never forget.  I have from that moment known there is a God. 

This pushed me to test whether I could trust God.  I knew He was there.  But could I trust He would guide me...even if it meant I wouldn't get to live a long life?  It was the scariest leap of faith I have made.

It has made me a better wife and mother though.  I was afraid to live before because of the fear.  Now I just feel lucky.  I want my husband to remember who I was and who I was trying to be...not the scared little girl in the corner.  It would be such a waste to live my life terrified all the time.

When I was a kid I ran track.  There were many times I would finish a race and I would realize I had so much more to give and I hadn't done my best.  I don't want to look back on my life and think the same thing.  I had way more to give and I wasted it.

I still have bad days.  I still get scared.  But I know I am not alone and this is my life...I don't want to waste it.

Progress...

Loneliness.  I have felt truly alone only a few stretches in my life.

This last month has been one.

Christian was going through something challenging.  I understood.  I did not blame him.  His focus is on providing for his family.  I respect him for it.  But it left me alone in my own trial.

It sapped everything out of me.  It surprised me how hard it was.  I have been through depression and hopelessness.  But I didn't feel that way...so it was weird how tired and sad I was.  But hope was there.  It kept me from the blow that could have shattered.

I didn't tell anyone for over a week.  I just sat in the house and dealt with it the best I could.  I didn't even tell my kids.

Then I finally opened up to a friend.  She was so sweet.  It felt good to have someone to talk to about it.  Christian wanted to be there for me...but he just couldn't be.  I couldn't be there for him either.  I was tapped.  There was no room for anything else.

I opened up another two weeks later to my other friend.  She told me something that didn't hit me until I went home.  "I'm proud of you for handling this so well after everything you have been through."

I sat and thought about it that night.  I hadn't put much thought into it, but she was right I had handled it better than I normally would have.  I have been blow apart so many times my usual was just pick up the pieces after being blasted apart.  This time I didn't fall apart.  I was cracked slightly, but I am still good.  She helped me recognize my progress.

I had promised myself I would take a leap with Heavenly Father several months ago.  I would just trust Him and stop trying to control everything.  It has been freeing!  I did really well until something happened a few months ago.  I fell apart.  I was numb.  I was angry.  I was numb again.  Christian begged me not to go there.  But I did.  I just didn't get it.  I was just done!  I had been pushed too hard.  Christian and I have tried so hard these last few years.  We would build a door hoping this is where we are meant to go.  We lovingly prepared the door, but when we were to open it...it broke or slammed shut.  We would catch our breath and start over again.  This has been repeated over and over.  This last time was literally my breaking point.  I snapped.  I broke my promise to trust.  I just gave up.  I was never getting what I wanted.  I was just stuck.  I felt forgotten.  I had literally done everything I could think of and it just didn't feel enough.

Then I pulled myself out of it by asking for forgiveness.  I pushed myself to do more.  It was as if I was in a 100 miler and I was on mile 99 and I was wounded and crawling.  I had to make myself get up and start running even though it felt like I had absolutely nothing left.  I pushed and I know I wasn't alone.

This seems to be swinging our way slowly.  I have been told by my dad and Christian's this was our year.  When it started out I had my doubts, but even with the heartache at the beginning of this month I am hopeful things are turning around.  I am no longer hoping it will workout.  I feel it very likely will happen and I am just going to have faith it will.  Not if...when.

I have come a long way.  I have been through hell and back so many times I have nearly memorized the path.  But I am a fighter and I haven't given up yet...though there are times I really wanted to.  I am grateful for those cheering me from this side of the veil and beyond.

Finding the Son...

My lasts posts have probably indicated how much I am struggling.  The weight of all I have been asked to do and go through has been really difficult.  Yesterday I decided I was going to try to stop feeling sorry for myself and do things that will help me feel the Spirit of Christmas.

So, we sat as a family, to my teenager's dismay, and sang Christmas Carols last night.  Everyone picked their favorite, even my teen.  Ironically, my grumpy teenager was the one who picked, "Away in a Manger."  I have sung that song so many times I know it by heart.  Then we got to the third verse and I found myself touched by the words and somehow they seemed more profound than ever.

"Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay close by me forever, and love me, I pray...and fit us for heaven to live with thee there."

I sat and pondered the words for a minute.  It doesn't sound that profound now as I am sitting here typing this.  But at that moment in time I felt the steady, constant flow of love from my Savior more acutely as I sang the words petitioning for His love.

I have felt forgotten.  I have felt alone at times through the various disappointments and struggles the last few weeks.  I needed a reminder that I am not alone.  I have not been forgotten.  Somehow, some way everything is going to be okay, even when I can't see any possible way it could be.  All the heartache and struggle I have endured is His way of "fit[ting]" me "for heaven to live with [Him] there."