This last month has been one.
Christian was going through something challenging. I understood. I did not blame him. His focus is on providing for his family. I respect him for it. But it left me alone in my own trial.
It sapped everything out of me. It surprised me how hard it was. I have been through depression and hopelessness. But I didn't feel that way...so it was weird how tired and sad I was. But hope was there. It kept me from the blow that could have shattered.
I didn't tell anyone for over a week. I just sat in the house and dealt with it the best I could. I didn't even tell my kids.
Then I finally opened up to a friend. She was so sweet. It felt good to have someone to talk to about it. Christian wanted to be there for me...but he just couldn't be. I couldn't be there for him either. I was tapped. There was no room for anything else.
I opened up another two weeks later to my other friend. She told me something that didn't hit me until I went home. "I'm proud of you for handling this so well after everything you have been through."
I sat and thought about it that night. I hadn't put much thought into it, but she was right I had handled it better than I normally would have. I have been blow apart so many times my usual was just pick up the pieces after being blasted apart. This time I didn't fall apart. I was cracked slightly, but I am still good. She helped me recognize my progress.
I had promised myself I would take a leap with Heavenly Father several months ago. I would just trust Him and stop trying to control everything. It has been freeing! I did really well until something happened a few months ago. I fell apart. I was numb. I was angry. I was numb again. Christian begged me not to go there. But I did. I just didn't get it. I was just done! I had been pushed too hard. Christian and I have tried so hard these last few years. We would build a door hoping this is where we are meant to go. We lovingly prepared the door, but when we were to open it...it broke or slammed shut. We would catch our breath and start over again. This has been repeated over and over. This last time was literally my breaking point. I snapped. I broke my promise to trust. I just gave up. I was never getting what I wanted. I was just stuck. I felt forgotten. I had literally done everything I could think of and it just didn't feel enough.
Then I pulled myself out of it by asking for forgiveness. I pushed myself to do more. It was as if I was in a 100 miler and I was on mile 99 and I was wounded and crawling. I had to make myself get up and start running even though it felt like I had absolutely nothing left. I pushed and I know I wasn't alone.
This seems to be swinging our way slowly. I have been told by my dad and Christian's this was our year. When it started out I had my doubts, but even with the heartache at the beginning of this month I am hopeful things are turning around. I am no longer hoping it will workout. I feel it very likely will happen and I am just going to have faith it will. Not if...when.
I have come a long way. I have been through hell and back so many times I have nearly memorized the path. But I am a fighter and I haven't given up yet...though there are times I really wanted to. I am grateful for those cheering me from this side of the veil and beyond.