I have mentioned I have the lovely genetic mutation for breast and ovarian cancer in previous posts. This has been a huge challenge in my life the last four years. It has nearly robbed me of my sanity.
This month is one of the lovely tests I undergo every six months. It is the worst one. MRI.
I am super claustrophobic and it is very hard for me. The first test I literally had to tell myself, "You have no other choice, except surgery. You have to do this. Don't you dare freak out!"
I had to pray to just get through the test.
I made it.
This has been a terrible and wonderful journey. I hate knowing. I wish sometimes I hadn't found out. I can't "unknow" this. Once I found out I couldn't just pretend it wasn't there.
I had to relearn who I am. I rather like the woman I found in the rubble. But it was the worst feeling not knowing who I was anymore.
I had to find my faith again. Declan pushed me to the beginning of who I was and if there was a God. That I will never forget. I have from that moment known there is a God.
This pushed me to test whether I could trust God. I knew He was there. But could I trust He would guide me...even if it meant I wouldn't get to live a long life? It was the scariest leap of faith I have made.
It has made me a better wife and mother though. I was afraid to live before because of the fear. Now I just feel lucky. I want my husband to remember who I was and who I was trying to be...not the scared little girl in the corner. It would be such a waste to live my life terrified all the time.
When I was a kid I ran track. There were many times I would finish a race and I would realize I had so much more to give and I hadn't done my best. I don't want to look back on my life and think the same thing. I had way more to give and I wasted it.
I still have bad days. I still get scared. But I know I am not alone and this is my life...I don't want to waste it.
