It has been nearly a year and a half since writing here. I have gotten pregnant and had a baby since. I have finished this chapter of my life. I will no longer bring a baby into this world. I am ready for a new chapter...but I am going to miss this one.
Tonight I was ready for bed at 7...I was so tired. I found myself wrestling a restless baby instead. I took her into Christian's office so she could crawl around and not disturb anyone. I sat down the the exercise ball he keeps in there and watched her. I was feeling cranky and longed to sleep. Then I looked around the room and remembered what that room once was. Emmy's room. I pictured where her crib and then toddler bed went. I remembered sitting on the floor and wrapping her in Declan's bedding as I sang her to sleep. I remembered that broken hearted mother who had no idea she would carry two more babies and bring them home safe. The fresh pain that would wash over her as she ran her fingers over Emmy's beautiful curls wishing she could hold her baby son and kiss his chubby cheeks.
Sometimes it doesn't feel real. It almost feels like a story I heard somewhere. Sometimes I am sad that it doesn't hurt like that anymore. Sometimes I am grateful it doesn't hurt that much. Sometimes grief still catches me by surprise even though it has been over a decade.
I still miss him. I am happy in life...but I miss him. I will always miss him. I have two rainbow babies that have soothed my aching heart. (I had a miscarriage before my youngest, but that is another story for another day.)
Life is busy and hard and lovely and now full of my children. Many years ago I wasn't sure if I would get to have more. I thought Emmy might end up my baby. But God saw what I needed when I needed it. I will never forget those tender moments of my shattered heart painfully, but deeply loving my living children as I tried to make sense of what had happened. They were sweet and terrible...and I cherish them still.