I had never thought much about empathy in my life until the last few years. I knew what it was. I even thought I had a reasonable amount. Then the bottom fell out of my life and suddenly I was the recipient of many people's heartless comments and actions.
They didn't know any better. I am sure I have fallen into that category from time to time, but it really got me thinking.
When people act like what you are going through, that has knocked the wind out of you, is nothing...well it hurts!
The most interesting thing is when people you don't expect come out of nowhere and do amazing things.
We had the misfortune of something really awful happen to our investing accounts. It took Christian's entire account down. Christian was devastated. He had made a friends with the guy who was trying to find us affordable insurance a couple of months ago. He had talked to Christian about investing and they chatted over the last few months. When this man found out about Christian's account he was just sick. He even offered us a huge sum to save it. Then I found out his wife, whom we have never, ever met, was just as sick and willing to give the money to save us...even if it was completely lost. We didn't take it, but the fact that two almost strangers cared that much for what we were going through was the most remarkable thing I had ever experienced.
Empathy is powerful. It moves people to do such incredible things. After Declan died I saw it in the most unlikely sources. I would be sitting in church and someone I hardly talked to would come up and put their arms around me. I had people drop things off at my door. I had people donate money so we could get a headstone. I have photos of Declan's funeral and sometimes I peruse them. I will never forget the tears running down their cheeks as they hurt for our little family.
It seems simple, but I am surprised how many people don't know how to be there in the moment. They want and need you to be okay so they will be okay. They brush it aside as though what you are feeling and what has hurt you is nothing. "It will be fine." They say. "You'll just get another job." They also say. "At least you can have more children." And so on...
I never knew how many people struggle with you having a hard time...until I was the one struggling. They want to paint your silver linings for you. Help you see better. Help you get through this as fast as possible. Only, that's not their job. I have never needed to have someone paint the silver linings for me. I see them. I acknowledge them. Just because I am sad doesn't mean I don't see them. There is no need to point them out. Just because you can see the rainbow doesn't mean you aren't getting rained on...
This time of year brings out the painful reminder that I am missing someone in my family. I don't get to buy gifts for him. I don't get to watch his excited face on Christmas morning. His giggles aren't heard as he jumps up and down while seeing what Santa brought him. The hole in my heart feels bigger. While our family gathers there is one missing. I will never have my whole family together at Christmas in this life. It is so hard. I have slowly made progress. I hated this time of year 8 years ago. I barely survived it 4 years ago. I skipped Christmas (well not really it was a trip and only one gift each, but essentially we skipped it) 2 years ago. Now I look forward to the Christmas season...then it hurts as I go through it. I don't know which is better...it is what it is. I have developed an appreciation for my strange contradicting feelings during certain parts of the year.
I hope you all have an amazing Christmas! I hope I can find those quiet moments to really enjoy this season. I hope if you struggle like me through this season it brings you comfort in some way at some point. Merry Christmas!
