The last few years have been some of the most challenging of my life. We have made a plan and I pushed myself to feel hope and excited for the future; only to have that plan, not only not workout, it feels I slammed into a brick wall. I pick myself up stunned and hurting. I dust myself off and round 2; only mustering the hope is a little harder. Brick wall. I stagger and this time it feels like my entire body has been broken. Round 3. Round 4. What round am I even on now?! 45?!
It hurts.
I have felt forgotten. I believe in blessings. I believe in miracles. I believe that God can make anything happen. But I have gotten to a place where I feel maybe He just doesn't want me to have what I want. I hurts to want it anymore.
And so I try to be grateful for what I do have.
I have a lot. I know this. I try to remember the beautiful parts and not focus on the plans in ruins on the path behind me.
I struggle though.
This last derailment really hurt. I found myself on my knees just sobbing, "I don't get it," over and over. There was nothing more to say. I just don't get it.
I can't muster hope anymore; at least in this instance. I have resigned myself to this. I give up. Christian is fighting so hard for it and I want to hope because he deserves my hope, but I can't. It just hurts too much.
I am not even mad. I'm just incredibly sad that God doesn't feel I should have this. I don't understand it. There has been this piece of me through the last almost 6 years that felt it would end. It must end. That was the only way I could survive. Now it feels it won't. I am stuck for who knows how long....
I am at the mercy of others. I am managed.
I have been humbled to my core. Every time I have hit the lowest I have ever felt...there's a new low. I never knew how pathetic I could feel until the last few years happened.
I am rubble of who I thought I was. I have had to rebuild myself over and over only to feel another huge hole punched into me.
This time I don't feel like patching that hole. Maybe I should just leave it. It doesn't seem worth it. That hole keeps being punched back through just as I patch it.
Maybe this is the place I was supposed to end up before things change. I don't know. I know in other times in my life when I felt like I was about to snap from the stretching, that was when the miracle came. This time I felt I was about to snap about 50 times...so I am running out of stretch before I just break...maybe I already have.
I just hope my love for Heavenly Father can get me through this. I also hope that there is mercy somewhere down this road. But at this point I don't know if it is going to be anytime soon.
