I have spent the last 8 years loving/hating this time of year. Fall has always been my favorite ever since I was a kid. I love the smells. I love the leaves. I love sweaters. I love bundling under blankets. I love Halloween. It just is a fantastic time of year!
But it also brings me sorrow.
It isn't all bad. I actually like having a designated day to just reflect on Declan. I do feel as time expands between us I don't spend as much time thinking about him. He is always with me, but life is busy and I don't need to sit and have a long cry as much anymore. I am glad I have come so far, but there always is a sliver of guilt that I feel I am leaving him behind somehow. I know it isn't the case. I know he understands. But I can't help feeling neglectful somehow. (It must be a mom thing.)
So when his birthday approaches I start to wonder. Will I fall apart? Will this be fine? It is never how I expect it. This year it hit me hard the day before. No clue why. I found myself scooping my toddler up and taking him to the dollar store to buy him helmets and ninja masks. Then we played and I let him win our little battle. I kept thinking of his brother. What would he have done today? What kind of party would he have wanted to plan? Would Ollie and Declan fight all the time? Would they play swords? Would I let Declan stay home from school on his birthday? I usually let everyone else now that he is gone.
Declan's birthday has become our family's strange holiday. It is a cherished time. I don't allow any plans on his birthday. I beg Christian to stay home from work. We take off school. We go to the movies and play. I used to donate blankets on his birthday, but it became nearly unbearable. My friend told me not to...but I didn't listen. I have put my blanket project on hold...but I really feel I should start it back up. I do love making them. But Declan's birthday has become a beautiful day and a terrible day. Part of the day I am happy and feel so grateful to spend time with my family. Then at some part of the day I just feel exhausted that I am going to spend my whole life reflecting on the loss of my son every. single. year. Aren't I 80 yet?! Then I get sad. It's just a strange day. But it is our day. It is my day. I have come to love it through the tears, frustration, and messy day it has become. There is always a moment in the day I know Declan appreciates we think of him and that he means so much to us.
Life is messy. It is hard. I never had any doubt it would be hard. But still, it surprised me how gut-wrenching and soul-crushing it could be. Then there are those magic moments when it makes all those moments, that hope evaporates and you are hanging on for dear-life, worth it.
I am not sorry that I have to love/hate September 28th. It is my payment for having an angel in my life. We all have guardian angels that watch over us, I just got to carry one around with me for 8 months until he was asked to go home. I have felt him cheer for me. I have felt him sorrow with me. I will always be grateful to be his mom.
Happy birthday Declan! I can't believe it has been 8 years since I last held you.
