I felt so alone.
I picked up my phone and called. The influx of info didn't help. I hung up feeling more scared.
My sister brought her kids and food. She sat and listened. She made my choice okay. But I felt my body suddenly was chain-mail...I couldn't move. Every movement seemed taxing. It hurt. Life hurt. Thinking hurt. Nothing felt normal. Panic was fluttering my heart.
I didn't know I would wake in tears months later. Or that I wouldn't sleep other nights and just cry instead.
I was so alone.
No one seemed to understand.
I didn't even know if Christian understood...or wanted to hear it. I felt like a burden. I was struggling and it was hard for me to talk about, let alone think about anything else.
Finally, in utter frustration and despair I begged Christian to tell me how he felt. Was I annoying him? Was I being stupid? I was I making a mistake? Tell me PLEASE!!
I fell in love with Christian all over again. He just knew what to say. He knew what to do. He prayed with me. He held me while I cried. He gave me a blessing. He reassured me. He gave me back my voice. He made such a horror somehow not so huge.
Heavenly Father sent me angels in my life. Some literal and some the people in my life. He gave my an angel son to love. He gave me three other children who have blessed my life. But most of all, he gave me a man to love. Christian has been the biggest blessing of my life. Our life together hasn't been easy. I didn't realize what "marriage is hard" meant. It really is! It is a miracle we are still together! It is HARD! But it is also amazing! When things are good between Christian and I it's like magic. I feel I can do anything, be anything, and handle anything.
He will never truly know how much his love means to me. The way he looks at me as though I am the only girl that exists...is humbling. The way he works so hard on our relationship is an amazing blessing. I haven't always seen this or understood it. It has taken many years and a lot of fights to see him correctly.
I have seen very painfully, when a marriage doesn't work out. It hurts to watch. It makes me nervous; I know no marriage is immune. It makes me grateful for Christian. He never gave up on me even through the really, really crappy times that we barely hung on....
I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why I was given Christian and others have someone who throws away their relationship as though it meant nothing. I don't know why I lost my son and others keep babies that are born much more preemie than Declan. Life is fully of the unfair. Life is full of disappointment. But I do know that God loves us. The unfairness of life doesn't mean He forgets us. I felt His sorrow for me when Declan died. I knew He cared and He was sorry. I don't really know all the reasons Declan isn't here. But I know He knows...and I trust Him. I am thankful for the gifts He has let me keep.