After my world came crashing down I just couldn't feel like me. I saw glimpses of her once in a while...but it was all too different and I thought she had disappeared.
The next few years were just hit after hit.
It has been over two years since the last hit. I had attempted so many times to pull myself out of my dark places, but then I was knocked back inside those places. This last time was pretty awful. I just felt like life was going to just continue to kick the crap out of me. I just wanted to stay down until life decided to stop kicking me.
Finally, in complete and utter desperation I begged for help, but this time I asked for help to do what He would have me do. I started to feel I was being healed. The pain, anger, hopelessness, and just feeling beaten-down started to ease.
There is strengthen in doing what God asks. I knew that all along and I thought I was doing what he had asked.
But I wasn't.
There was things I felt prompted to do and it just didn't make sense to me. I finally felt I could no longer ignore them or rationalize not doing them. Since I started the path He laid for me I feel free. I feel as though I am back to the "magic" years. I was in there still...under all that pain and anguish.
I promised myself years ago I would do whatever the Lord asked of me. But I started to question myself. I didn't feel I was guided anymore. I just told myself I wasn't good at understanding promptings...I had been questioned and burned so many times.
I'm not perfect at it. But I realized I am much more than I give myself credit for. I am weak, but with God I can become strong...
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)
I have felt that strengthening lately in my life. It has literally saved me from the depths, of a depressed hell, I have been the visitor of many times in my life.
I have to continually be vigilant and not let those fears and doubt sink back in and torture me from within. I understand the Atonement even more acutely more than I have in years past. He does carry my burden...if I only ask. If I only do what He asks. It seems so simple, why do I let my life get so complicated with trying to do it alone? Why do I slide back into my habits of not doing what he asks...even when it looks hard? It is always harder when I don't do what I'm asked. Why have I had to learn this so many times over and over?
The one good thing about finding out about the cancer gene is that I know the wisdom of my Savior more than I did previously. It feels as though my life is really in the palms of His hands. It is humbling to know we have absolutely no say in whether we stay or go. Everyone knows this. But for me it became extremely real. It wasn't just theoretical anymore.
The beautiful thing is...I'm not in charge of life. I rather like that I'm not. I have taken the burden of fretting and realized no matter how much I fret...it doesn't change anything. He will do what is best for me. He loves my children. He will do what is best for them. What is best for us isn't always fun or what we want. But I have come to see I truly do not know what will help me be happy; on my own I never seem to make choices that bring me happiness. It is only when I allow Him to show me I feel happiness envelop me and I realize I need Him to enjoy my life. Even if what He asks is the scariest thing I have ever had to do. I have more joy in my life with God than without.
I know with absolutely surety there is a God. I do not have the strength and ability to heal myself and to continue forward after the hard things I have endured. I couldn't find hope on my own. I have lived in the depths of sadness and fear. I have felt hope evaporate. I have had physical pain from the ravages of depression and anxiety. I am certain I am incapable of mustering the hope and joy that has bloomed from my soul. I had always hoped there was a God. When I laid in the hospital the day Declan died, feeling like my body was completely torn in half, and I was so shattered; I didn't see how it would ever be okay again. I turned to Christian and asked if he believed there was a God. He didn't hesitate. He told me he did. Not long after that I found myself alone and I was in so much physical pain I thought it might kill me. I was laying in my hospital bed crying when I plead with Heaven asking, if there was a God I had to know. It was then I came to know, not hope, that God exists. The power with which I was surrounded I will never forget.
The speed of the answer was humbling. He wanted me to know without hesitation that He was there.
The day we buried Declan the bishop, who did the funeral, was a family friend and his words were the only I remember from the funeral. He said when we need our Savior it is His nature not only to come, but to run to us. I felt that the day I needed to know if Heaven and all of the exalted Beings existed.
The last almost 8 years I feel I have been worked and reworked. I have a long way to go still, but I am an improved version of the girl I found is still there. I know I am better for all of this...even though there were times I wanted it taken from me. I am grateful for my chance on Earth. I feel the pressure of the years of hard things starting to lift. Somehow everything is going to be okay. I need not fear...I have the Lord on my side.