My silence...

Two years ago I had everything I knew about myself ripped away.  It sounds stupid, but it was one of the hardest events of my life.  I found myself staring down the barrel of cancer.  I didn't have it.  But I have the gene.  I suddenly looked at my little family and panicked.  I saw my kids at my funeral.  I saw my husband without a wife.  I was up all night crying.  I was on my knees pleading with my Father in heaven.

I took down my blog.  I felt myself slip away.  The hope I had worked so hard for started to disappear in my hands; even though I clutched it tightly.

I crumbled and everything fell.

I thought I knew what fear was.  I have been a very fearful person throughout my life, but this was so consuming I couldn't seem to push it away.

I found myself in MRIs and Mammograms.  I was going to a cancer center every year.  I had their letter head coming in my mail and it nearly stopped my heart every time I picked up my mail and spied those horrible blue letters.

It was such a whirlwind of information.  Surgery?  Screening?  It all seemed too much.  I longed for the Christy I knew before...the one who didn't fear her own body.  Every twinge or sore muscle would make the fear return with vengeance.  It would bounce around my mind...destroying me with every collision.

Then as I was in a very bad place, my cousin's cancer came back and she returned to her Father in heaven.  It was so hard not to let the fear just take the reins.

I have cried so many tears over this stupid gene.  For all I know I won't even get it.  50%- 80% is a huge range.  But it is something, I frequently say, I can't "unknown."  It is there and now I can't pretend it doesn't exist.

I had my decisions shamed.  It hurt more than I will ever be able to express.  I questioned myself a lot afterward.  I finally realized that my path is mine and mine alone.  I cannot rely on others to know what I need to do nor allow people to tell me what they think I should do.  The Lord has told me I won't make a mistake and that cancer will not take me before my time.  I have to hope that means I will be able to raise my kids and be Christian's wife until we are old.  My time and the Lord's time are very different.  His "okay" is not my "okay."  Declan is proof of that.  I knew everything was going to be okay, but it certainly wasn't what I had wanted.  It worked out and I see the Lord's way is beautiful even through its heartbreak.

I am starting to trust myself again, but more importantly I am trusting my Father in heaven.  He has helped me rebuild myself piece by piece.  (He made me better than I was before I crumbled.)  It is the scariest thing I have ever done.  I literally feel I have stepped off a cliff hoping I didn't make a mistake.  I do know absolutely:  He will catch me.  Whatever the outcome is I know it was meant for me.  I can't keep staring down at the jutting rocks below and retreating from the ledge cowering in fear.  I know He is trying to refine me into something precious and that doesn't come easy.  I finally stepped off the ledge even though I don't see how this will all go...I know He does.  I am trusting Him to guide me through this.  I must stop taking the first step and then abandoning Him because of my fear.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me...I have felt it very clearly the last two years.  I lost my way for a while, but I was never alone.

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I felt I needed to start this blog up again.  I don't know if anyone will ever read this again.  But I have learned I need to follow through on promptings I receive.  Hopefully, my random thoughts are somewhat helpful to someone out there.