I have been blogging for several years now. I started because we were moving away and I wanted to document our life for friends and family.
I loved the fun blogging created for me. I could post about my newborn and three year old. Life was pretty great and I had to share.
I started this blog because my family blog was private. It was my way to share with the world in a way I wouldn't otherwise. I shared my faith. I shared my love for Christian.
Then my life turned upside-down. I was no longer talking about my life in theories any longer. It was real. And it was HARD.
My little baby boy was gone. I was left with a shattered heart and scattered thoughts.
This blog became my solace. I placed my grief and pain into it. I sent it out to...well I wasn't sure. Did anyone read it?
I tried to sift through my broken heart and start to mend it. I realized quickly I was not capable of such a task. Only divine help could.
I cried and poured my soul into this blog...hoping that I could make sense of what I had just been through.
Nearly 6 years have passed since that day. I can only imagine what life could have been if he had lived. In the early days of my grief I played the very dangerous game of, "what if." Those "what ifs" haunted me...and nearly destroyed me.
Now I see that if Heavenly Father had wanted to, he would have saved Declan. He would be here right now and I wouldn't be typing this blog. This blog probably would have been long forgotten, much as many of my friends. I would have found little to blog about quickly and then it would have been lost in the shuffle of my busy life.
I have had times I have not blogged nearly as much as I once had, but I always return. The grief never goes. It will be with me until my last breath. But the hope of something incredible is always there. I know my beautiful boy is on the other side cheering me on and hoping that I will always get up when I fall.
This blog in many ways saved me. I healed through writing my feelings here. I am ironically a very private person, but this gave me a chance to share. It has been a blessing in my life.
I forget sometimes that Declan's story, subsequently mine as well, is startling for people. I used to tell people about it easily and frequently. I don't anymore. It does surprise me when I am present when someone else shares my story to someone for the first time. Their horrified face is always heartbreaking. I know they are running through their own children wondering how it would be to lose each one. The nightmare every parent hopes never to experience is wrapped up in the person standing before them. It is humbling to feel the empathy that radiates from them, knowing they are completely speechless how to convey what is tearing at their hearts.
I recently had the chance to talk to my very young aunt who lost her baby 8 months after Declan. We had not really spoken of our experiences. But there we were at the family reunion speaking of our angel children. It was amazing to see how far we had come since that really hard time in life. The longing is still there, but the healing has transformed us into something much more than we were before.
I still marvel at the progress I thought I would never make. I look at that lost, broken, and anxious mother I was. It was a very difficult time in my life that was followed by another difficult time. Nothing prepared me for either event and to have them so close to one another I feared I would not survive.
I see Christy is still there and feel more like her every day...but with one exception...I am a better version of myself. I have learned to rejoice at the progress made...even when it is small and unrecognizable to others.
I am still here and trying. I am able to be home with my children, which is exactly where I desperately desire to be. I continue to work to overcome the pitfalls and obstacles in my way. It isn't always pretty or quick, but I get there eventually and hope I endure to the end.
