I have been without a computer for some time now. As much fun as it is to try to blog on my phone...I didn't bother.
I am now in the month that has become something special. I find myself reliving those weeks before Declan arrived in my life. I see that pregnant woman so done with the scalding, summer heat.
I was not my best self.
I reprimanded myself for months afterward.
Why didn't I enjoy him more?!
Why didn't I love being pregnant?!
On and on I went.
I realized there was no way to know. How was I to know that my life was going to obliterated? Even now I find myself with the words, "You know better."
And I do.
I know first hand what life looks like when you are standing in a place you have never stood and look back, at what was once you beautiful life, to see it splintered all over the floor. However, I have to remind myself, often, I am only human. I do have this different understanding of life and how quickly it can turn. I try to remember each day I want no regrets.
But that is hard!
And let's be honest...exhausting!
I have moments I can fully embrace it. I can feel myself leave the ridiculousness of this life and focus on what is real and lasting.
But it doesn't last as long as I would prefer. I have gotten impatient with myself.
This year I have been through more challenges and I had to reevaluated my life. I suddenly saw myself differently. What I have to remember is I'm still me. Through all the nonsense...I'm still here. I have been broken, beaten down, drug through the recesses of depressed hell, and stretched until I screamed out in pain. I reemerged different...no one can escape without changing one way or another...but I am still me. I still love writing. I still love reading. I love photography. I love my kids. I still have my green eyes...even though the weight I have gained and the stress left deep lines have changed my appearance...I'm still me. I still allow myself to feel, love, and forgive. I haven't shut down. I traversed the hellish places so I could put them behind me. I took the long, exhausting journey because it was necessary. I only know how to brace for impact and then let those water engulf me. I scramble with everything I have and when I feel I have nothing left sometimes it felt a ten foot wave would crash over me. I would scream out only to feel it was swallowed in the suffocating water. It was then I knew I could no longer do it alone. I wasn't even meant to. I was given something that would require help. I could do it...but not alone.
The crushing fear would suddenly dissipate and the warm Son's rays would hold me safe. I was still in the water. The reality of what I was dealing with was not gone, but it was a task I could undergo. What was minutes before going to pound me into dust, was replaced with a lovely wave licking at my face. I could do this. I could live life knowing what I know. I can make it through this...and keep my sanity. I was overcome with how far I had come.
If I could express the last year in one would it would be: Faith. My faith specifically. I honestly know it was there. There were points in my life it was more than necessary. But this last year I feel has been the year that Faith was put to the test. I didn't want the test...to be honest. I childishly felt I had had enough with losing Declan. I wanted to bit a break. I don't why I thought I had earned some leave from life and all it's struggles.
But I did.
Then Christian lost his job. I had slipped into dark places. I let fear take hold of me. When I finally clawed out of the abyss, I was suddenly looking at another.
"Are you kidding me?!" I honestly screamed aloud.
I sunk onto my floor and cried like a little child.
"What more do you want from me?! Do you think I can do anything?!" I cried out in utter confusion.
When I left the hospital without Declan, I honestly thought that would be the hardest thing I would go through; and up until now, and many ways, it was.
But I wasn't done learning because I went through something so hard.
I went running today. I haven't been running consistently since right after Declan died. It felt good to pound the pavement. I remembered the absolute need for running almost as much as oxygen. I needed to run. I went running on the day I was cleared for exercise after my c-section. I was in so much pain. I wrapped my binding brace tight and it still hurt. But I had to move. I would jump out of skin if I didn't.
Today as I did wind sprints I pushed my body hard. I'm by no means in fabulous shape. But I thought of my broken self and sprinting wasn't even an option. I shuffled in a glorified speed walk for only 7 minutes. When I feel I can't do something physically I remember that day. The broken, grieving mom who put on her sneakers and went running; even though she had an emergency c-section only 6 weeks before. She had a fight that I didn't even know existed. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she painfully placed one foot in front of the other, envisioning her angel son standing beside her as she did the most miraculous thing she had ever attempted. She had hated running her whole life. She had, once upon a time, a runner's body, but the mental stamina of a gnat. Here she was, no longer the skinny, teenager she once was, running what felt like her 7 minute marathon. She went on to run 5ks and 10ks. She didn't get her half marathon achieved, but what she did was far above what she felt she could do.
The person I became after Declan died, saved the girl who slipped into an almost unconquerable depression later. I will always be grateful for Declan for being in my life and showing me a different life than I would have normally had.
I am learning to relish the small victories...even if they seem small to others.
I am determined to stop being so hard on myself. I slip up a lot. But this year I have tried to fully appreciate the person I am...and the person I will be. It isn't easy for me...in fact it goes against my self-deprecating ways that are so ingrained.
But as I told my son this week. "We just need to keep trying. Even if you mess up every day...never give up. We will conquer the hard things."
I know I can stop punishing myself for not being perfect.
I can keep going.
I found a bracelet I love and wear it to remind myself: "Never, never, never Give up!"
I am determined to make that be my life's goal. When I can look back on my life I can see: I went through the challenges and never gave up...even though I wanted to many, many times.
