We as people are really good at punishing ourselves. I know I am a master at it. I'm not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not engaging enough. Not clever enough. Not a fabulously mom and wife. Not ______. There are few words I haven't used to fill that blank.
I have beat myself up over and over.
I remember the guilt after Declan almost destroyed me. I had been the one to carry him. My body failed us both. How do I let that go?!
I replayed the day over and over. I played the "what if" game until I almost lost my mind.
I eventually made peace with where he was and my role in our relationship that would span mortality.
I have lived through my "worst case scenario." I have lived in fear most of my life. I have anxiety and it plays terrible thoughts and fears in my mind constantly. It is hard to live a good life with all that swimming in my head all the time.
I have had quiet times where the anxiety isn't raging. But since Declan died it reared it's ugly head. I would watch my kids sleep and feared what I would do if something happened to them. If Christian was ever late or didn't call when I expected I would go to the worst thing I could think.
This year I have been trying to think of ways to reprogram my mind. I don't want fear to rule my life. I realized that I already lived through what I considered my "worst case scenario." I lost someone dear to me.
Now I have this stupid gene that could create a whole new "worst case scenario" to taunt me for the rest of my life.
I could live in fear my whole life. But I am determined to live a full life. It is not an easy process. I have days I fall backwards and the fear starts to grip me and I worry how I will get back up and move forward.
I told Christian yesterday that I can't get over Declan...at least I can't ever stop missing him. I can move forward, but I will never feel whole again until we are reunited. But I can get over this gene. It doesn't have to derail me.
It is really easy for me to look at myself and just see a mess. I'm not handling things the way I wish. I'm not the weight I should be. I let myself sink into such depression and let food be my crutch. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't pull myself out of it. I let my self-worth sink so far down I don't know how much lower it could go.
I have punished myself over and over for what I am now. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. For a girl who once wore a size 4, it is astounding to me. I have been ashamed. I even think a little disgusted with myself.
I finally feel that I am at a crossroads. I can hate myself for the rest of my life and keep this awful cycle going. Or...I can start to allow myself to love me. I was watching a show about weight loss* and on the show a girl had talked about all the bad thoughts in her head kept her from feeling worth anything. The host told her that there was a demon in her and he was filling her with all these negative thoughts and HE IS A LIAR. I just started bawling knowing it was true. He is a liar! I won't listen anymore. No one should listen anymore!
We all have hard things we have triumphed. I know I am not the only one that beats herself up. Taking a look back on all we are and why we are. It should matter us. Life is not easy and trials come to us all. Pain accompanies us all at times. It isn't always, but acknowledging those triumphs is okay...
The same over-weight body, that I cringe at, had four beautiful children. These not so toned arms have held three living children and held one angel. These fingers that almost look foreign to me from all the weight-gain picked up the casket of my beloved baby and helped place it in the earth. This body had been through gestational diabetes, c-sections, and so much anxiety it was crippled by it.
I may never be a size 4 again. I may never be wealthy. I may not be well known. But I am worth fighting for. I deserve a place in this world. I'm beautiful. I'm always trying to better myself. I have a thirst for knowledge that is unquenchable. I am creative. I am capable of great love. I am loyal...once you are mine, you are forever.
It is really hard for me to allow myself to see the things that are good about me, but I am determined to get out of my own way. I don't want my self-worth to get in the way of things I want to do. It is distracting. I want more out life than telling myself all the many ways I am not enough.
I want to forgive myself for struggling with all these hard trials. I want to forgive those who didn't understand. I want to be okay with where I have been and move forward with more empathy for having traversed such hellish places.
It isn't going to be fixed today. I know it will take time to continue to push out that demon in my head that says I can't change and I will always feel this awful. But I know better. I always have. I just let that demon drown me out. I can't let that be my legacy. I want my kids to know the real me, that is at peace and not raging inside with a terrible storm that is killing me from the inside out.
I pray for courage. I pray for my fear to be pushed aside. I pray that I can be the person I feel I can be and want, with every fiber of my being.
"For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37)
If He could help Moses part a sea, I think He can teach me how to love myself again.
*The Biggest Loser
