The last few months have been...weird. I have felt peace that I didn't even know I could feel. I also have felt panic, anxiety, and fear. Last of all...betrayed.
I know that seems overly dramatic, but let me explain.
I know there is a 50-80% chance I could get cancer within my lifetime. Now this number is incredibly ranging. It could be that I only have a 50% chance. It could be that I have a 77.7% chance. I could not even get cancer at all. There is no way to know. What I do know...I have this stupid gene.
Now there are many different ways of handling this knowledge. I have taken the less invasive road. Screening. Now I can see that for some this would not be enough. They need to erratic any chance. I get that. For me I have a different perspective. What if I am supposed to get cancer? That thought makes me ponder this often. If Heavenly Father has a trial ahead of me that is titled: cancer...will taking any measure possible change that for me? I have a feeling...no. I know that we are on this earth for a purpose. We aren't here just for fun or some primordial accident. We are here to learn.
Now these lessons are hard! I will not pretend that they aren't. I have buried a child...trust me I get it. But I also know that when I have faith miracles happen. Do they happen the way I want...not always.
Now back to the lovely word...cancer. I have a sneaking suspicion that even if I have surgery and try to remove any chance that I will have cancer that does not guarantee that I won't get cancer. Having said this I will take measures that I feel are necessary. If I am inspired to take action...I won't just sit here and shrug my shoulders. But as of yet I haven't felt the need.
The hard thing I am finding is this...I feel my choices aren't respected. I understand we don't have to agree. I also understand that you may worry. But I also know that I am doing what I am being guided to do. I am trusting that Heavenly Father knows a little more about what I need to do...than maybe you do. When you get in my head with all the doubt and fear it unleashes Pandora's box in my head. All the self-doubt and concern that I am not as in tune as I hope to be comes rearing it's very ugly head. I am reeling with all the stupid thoughts that take me so long to put back into the box. I know what I need to do. I know my choice is correct for me. But I need you to trust me that I know my Heavenly Father is trying to show me something that maybe you don't understand...and that's okay.
I have felt this disrespect has lead to feelings of betrayal. I don't like them and wish I could squish them. I know people are faulty and we disappoint and hurt each other constantly. But sometimes it becomes much too much and I feel that mine are getting crushed. I am just a girl trying to the best she can. I don't have all the answers...but I do have some. All I want is for it to be okay and that you can have my back no matter what. That's I am emotionally safe with you.
This life is so hard. I love it. I really do. There are times I feel it knocks the wind out of me and I have to catch my breath. Those are the times that I know I need to press forward and not let it keep me doubled over.
I have come a long way from the girl who started blogging about her angel baby. I have sunk into hell and come out. I know better than some the depths of hopelessness. I am here to say that nothing...I mean NOTHING...is impossible with Christ.
We will all fail somehow. We will fail each other. We will disappoint. We will hurt each other. But He will never do any of that. If we were to put all our trust into just one...I know He is the One to choose.
I know He has healed my very broken heart. He has held me as I cried and felt that I would never be happy again. He has walked the lonely days of not feeling understood. He has been the only One to fully understand my path. It, at times, was very, very lonely...but it was only because I wouldn't let Him in. Every time I make an effort and just crack the door I shut on Him...He is there ready to help. I know that I am undeserving of such love, but I am so very grateful for it!
I don't know what will come. Maybe I will get cancer. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will be guided into surgery, maybe I won't. What I do know is...I am not alone. I am being guided by One who is much wiser than me.
