I wrote this Aug of 2014:
I released the door and stared at the large mound of my belongings. My rocking chair was amongst the chaos. Where? I wasn't sure.
After clearing a path my sister went ahead of me and climbed through the maze of boxes and furniture. A few items were set aside as I discovered them.
I inhaled and suddenly the smell of home hit me. My stomach clenched. Homesickness seeped into my heart.
A box of the kids painted treasures was found and I bit down on my lips to keep from crying.
My sister finished the search for my rocking chair and it was hauled out of the sizable storage unit.
Hours later I found myself rocking my Ollie to sleep. Thoughts of Declan swarmed around me. I never had the chance to enjoy a cuddle session in this rocking chair with him.
I slid my cheek across the downy head of my fourth child. The beautiful baby aroma filled my lungs. I held him tight as I hurt for my little Declan.
I have so many posts I never finished. It is strange to read them now. I remember how bad it hurt when Ollie came home with us. I didn't expect that.
Ollie has been a huge blessing and in many ways he has calmed the grieving monster inside. I do remember everything thing he did was amazing and poignant as well. Conflicting emotions are always my companions as I traverse moving forward in life. We have had a lot of milestones thus far, but there are many to come.
I look at my little boy and wonder what it would be like for him if his big brother were here to play. Would they look alike? Would they fight constantly? Would they be close?
Time has expanded between us. I do appreciate it in many ways. The stabbing pain has dulled. The panic attacks have slowed and happen infrequently.
On the other hand, it is pulling us away from the newness. He was our beloved youngest. All of us remembered him. We felt him close most of the time. Now we have another child that will only know he had an older brother, but not remember. We don't feel him as close as frequently.
It has been over 5 years now. I don't know how that happened. But as time marches on I realized that he does come with us. His memory is alive in different, unexpected ways.
My sister-in-law came over the other day and as she was leaving she was hunting down a stuffed animal for one of her daughters. When the little pink bear appeared and I realized it was the one that we gave all the cousins at Declan's funeral I couldn't help, but smile. It was very loved little bear I watched her cart out to her van. I remembered my sister-in-law telling me that her daughter, the one who is only 3 months older than Declan, would sleep with her bear every night. Now 5 years later it is still around.
Emmy was sobbing the other day because her lamby was assaulted by her older brother. We had put a little lamb with Declan and then my sister got all of us a larger version of that lamb. Emmy has treasured her Declan stuffed animals (all three of them). She cannot bear having anything happen to them. I have to admit when I do see the kids put things that represented Declan on the ground it hurts more than I would think.
I am almost at the 5 1/2 year mark. I could not even see this far in the future when I was in the hospital stunned he was gone. I didn't see how this would all play out. I didn't know that I would never be the person I was before Declan died. I didn't know how to get through each minute after he died, let alone 5 years later. I didn't see how it could ever get better. I was shattered in such small pieces they didn't seem to fit together anymore.
I felt my rainbow baby would be our glue for our family when I was pregnant with him. I was right. He has sealed us together. He has sealed my heart back together; it still has painful cuts and gashes, but it is intact. He has given our family a peek into what we missed out on and let us enjoy it a little more than we would have otherwise.
My situation is still the same. My stuff is still in storage. It hurts every time I go through it. I can smell my house and the memories flood my mind mind when I open the door. But it looks like things are starting to change for us and most of all I am hoping I am changing. I really want to learn something from the last 3 really hard years.
