I began to write this over two years ago:
As I inch closer to the point in this pregnancy where I lost Declan, my ability to handle daily life starts to slip away. My nerves are raw. My heart is tender. My caution is high. And the hope that is dancing on the sidelines keeps me from completely losing my mind.
Five short weeks is all that I would have left if this were Declan. I didn't have any clue my time was going to be cut short.
I never finished it or published it (until now). I struggled to finish much back then. I couldn't even write in my book, which is something I quite enjoy.
I was frozen. I was scared.
This side of things, having Ollie here and safe, I can't imagine life without him. The worry of burying another baby was there. It taunted me. I couldn't seem to hold it off. Having diabetes while pregnant made everything harder.
Life continues whether or not we are struggling. It has been two years since that day I cried in the OR while I got my spinal block. Two years since I heard the lovely baby cry. Two years since Christian wiped my frightened tears and then joyful tears as I laid on the operating table with my cheek up against my very cherished baby boy.
I struggled.
I stumbled hard.
I fell and it hurt.
But without the hard times we wouldn't appreciate the good.
It breaks my heart to read the words I wrote when I was having Ollie. I can hear the terror. I was a mess. I had to wait longer than I ever had to have Ollie. The wait nearly made me lose my mind. But it was all worth it. Ollie has been worth all the forced patience, pain, worry, and lovely pregnancy fun. I never knew what sacrifice was until I got pregnant the first time. It has only increased since then. Declan being my greatest test of how much I would sacrifice. It never occurred to me to not want a c-section to get him here safe. I had been terrified of c-sections each time I got pregnant. But when it was placed in front of me I just did it. He was my baby. I would do what I had to...no matter what. I learned quickly after that c-section that they aren't for the faint of heart. It was by far the hardest way I have delivered a child.
We do these hard things for our children, spouses, and when asked Heavenly Father.
Somehow we get on the other side. It amazes me what I feel will break me and it never does. I hope at the end of my life I find nothing did...for I worked too hard the last few years to break down the road.
