Finding out you have a greater risk of cancer is strange information to acquire. It knocked the wind out of me; when I first heard it. How do you live a normal life after such information?!
I found myself feeling I was playing roulette with my life. If I didn't do surgery was I stupid? If I did do surgery would that be okay? I felt I didn't have time to make a decision; while I was being pelted with so much information at once.
I finally petitioned the Lord for help. There was no other way I could live this way. I asked for help making a decision. I just wanted to do the right thing for me and also my family.
I was given answers while I sat with my genetic counselor (never thought I would ever say that). She gave me the information in a way that didn't terrify me. I had time to think. I didn't need to make any decision right now.
I had appointment after appointment, each time I got more information and my resolve, that this wasn't as frightening as I had originally felt, solidified.
I don't have cancer...and this knowledge is a gift not a death sentence. I know. I can screen because I know. I get to go in twice a year and make sure I am healthy. All in all, I am starting to feel better and this isn't crushing me with all the decisions I felt I had to make today.
I actually forgot a week. A whole week I didn't think of it and I only remembered because I was asked about it. It was weird. It had been so prevalent in my mind that I did not realize I had stopped obsessing.
I can sleep. I can breathe...sort of...but that is an entirely different story. I can be a mom. I can be a wife. This gene doesn't have to ruin or rule my life. It doesn't have to be the story of my life.
I have lived through two awful experiences in the last 5 years. I have been in hell...(my hell). When I got my test results I thought to myself, "I have been through worse than this. I can do this."
I am so determined not to fall into the depressed state; I lived so long I didn't think I would get out. I fight each day to be the person I know I can be. Depression will not rob me of my life! It has already robbed me of days and weeks. It won't take it all!
I was frightened I would slip into the abyss again, once I found out about the gene. I almost did. I have definitely been watched over. My family has helped me so much! My Heavenly Family has as well.
This is a weird journey. I found myself in an MRI that I never envisioned doing. My genetic counselor told me it would be strange. She said that I would wonder how I ended up there. I had to admit as I was changing into the hospital gown and walking into the MRI I had to agree. Even the cute girl doing my MRI said it was a weird one for my first MRI.
I was worried the confined space would be too much and I would be scared. (I am super claustrophobic) I was fine until I was slid inside. I did have a moment where I wanted to lose it. I said a fervent prayer that I could stay calm.
My prayer was answered.
As I look back to all the frightening times I have had in my life and the prayers that accompanied me....He was there: when I was on the operating table scared to death as I was being prepped for an emergency c-section, when I was prepped for the first c-section I had ever been awake for; praying that my baby would make that longed for, first cry. He was there.
I am not brave. I fear much, but even in those moments when I am frightened He is there. He accepts me for all my fears and weaknesses.
I am clear for another 6 months. I am grateful for knowing. I have lived almost 34 years without knowing I had this. I am determined the next 34 won't be ruled by this knowledge.
I am very blessed in life. I lose sight of the big picture too often. I continue to remind myself of what truly matters.
We aren't given anything we can't handle...even though sometimes I feel I can't do it. When I was a little girl I never dreamed of all the crazy things that I would go through. No one gets through this life without getting really banged up. I had a long road before I had to brace for impact. I woke up at 28 to find my life flipped upside-down and it has never been upside-right (if that is even a thing). I have traversed the trenches of anxiety. I have fallen in the pit of despair and depression. I have had a job-loss that resulted in starting over and living with family. Nothing in the last 5 years was planned. It hit hard and fast; in my worst moments I felt it was insult to injury. But my story isn't unique or particularly awful (except to me).
We all have hard things. Some are visible. Some are not. Nothing is easy. The only thing I truly do know is that we aren't alone. I don't hope or think...I know that we have a Heavenly Father, who is so invested in our lives here. This wasn't meant to break us. It wasn't meant to be a one way trip. We are here to learn, fall, break, and then be healed and loved. We never would truly understand without the trials here.
I still have a long road ahead with my anxiety, but I do know that I will be okay. The hard things I go through aren't useless. I know I'm a better person than I was before Declan died, but I know I still have a long way to go.
The best part of all my suffering the last 5 years is this: I have a son in Heaven cheering me on to never give up and help me remember where I came from and where I am headed; while I have a loving family here that I feel blessed to love each day.
