I'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore. I have neglected this blog and only written a few times in the last few years. I feel sometimes I repeat myself and wear out people with my "feelings."
I'm not going to lie. Life has been super hard. I once posted about being refined...that I had heard an analogy where we were equated to rocks. To become smooth and beautiful we are tumbled around; where our rough edges are knocked off. I had once felt I was being battered and a lot of my rough edges were being taken down by all that I had encountered. That was nothing to what has been going on lately.
I am not saying losing Declan was at all easy. It. Was. Not. My beautiful boy is on my mind and I carry him through all I do. Lately I have felt him with me as I struggle.
Depression does not seem to fully describe the Hell I went through. I literally didn't think I would climb out of that awful place. Hope was gone. I woke every day in tears wondering how I would possibly put one step in front of the other.
I finally traveled through my Hell and landed on the other side. Hope was my new companion...I would make it after all.
2016 was my year. I had declared it so. I was going to finally get the break I felt I deserved after this long, hard struggle. I guess it still is going to be my year...just different than I was envisioning.
Now I face something new...scary.
I found out yesterday that I have the wonderful gene that could land me with cancer.
First of all the fact that I can find this out is not lost on me. I realize what a blessing and a miracle this is.
When I was on the phone finding out my fate...I was stunned. I had been worried, but I still felt I would find out I was negative. I had decided that...as if that was even something I could decide.
I still am reeling.
After the shock finally goes away I know my fight will kick in...at least I hope so. I have been given an opportunity to fight something before it even happens...it is a gift. It isn't going to be an easy road. I know I will have hard days. But I am so determined to not end up in Hell again. I will not go down without a fight. This will not defeat me! My family needs me. I need me! I can't let this take me down after everything the last 5 years that threatened to take me out...this can't be it.
I pray my anger won't get the best of me. I pray that I can somehow turn this frightening event in my life into something amazing. I pray that I can make the best desiccation I can with the information being blasted at me. But most of all I hope that I can be humble enough to allow my Heavenly Father to teach me something I obviously need to learn.
I know I can throw myself a pity party. I think in the back of my head I have started to create invites to such a party. Maybe that is exactly what I need. (Have a good cry and then get to work). I just hope I can move passed the feeling-sorry-for-myself phase and do something with this that can change my life.
When Declan died I knew I would never be the same. I didn't plan on that happening so often to me. The last 5 years I have had many days where I felt it was a defining day. There was no going back to my former self. She was gone. I will never be the same after this. Good or bad. I just hope...I pick good.
I want my kids to look back at their mother and proudly say..."She conquered those mountains that were placed in her way."
It feels at this point I am standing at the base of Mt. Everest knowing the road isn't going to be easy, but grateful for the chance to fight my way up.
I know this is, by no means, anything like actually having cancer. I cannot even imagine what it is like to hear the words, "You have cancer." I have known too many people who have received that news. My words will never express how I truly feel about all their journeys through it. They are heroes, each one of them, and I know my struggle is nothing to theirs.
I have been given a chance to do a preemptive strike that will not completely eradicate the possibility of cancer, but it is one I will gladly take and do what I have to...so I can be here for my kids and Christian.
I'm still here...and I have choices of how I want to fight...and that is everything!!!
