Nothing to do with Christmas...

The movies always have these emotional scenes where people bawl at graves.  I suppose it is embarrassing to admit that I don't want people to see me losing it at the cemetery.  So I only shed a few tears and off I go.  I don't linger usually. I'm not sure why,  maybe I just don't feel the need to stay long.  All that changed tonight. 5 years he has been gone and many hard times were had. But until tonight I have never sunk to my knees and just cried.  It was cold.  It was windy.  A huge storm was coming but there I sat on the freezing grass with my hand on the icy headstone.  I almost couldn't feel the cold.  The strange thing was the tears I shed weren't even about Declan at least at first.  I had been crying before Christian got to the cemetery. When he pulled off and stopped the car I hurried out and there I lost it.  I sobbed knowing it wasn't likely anyone could see me,  but I didn't care if they could.  It was dark,  but my sobs were loud.

Life hurts!  I know it is a gift and I recognize it as such.  But there are times I feel it kicks the crap out of me.  People are hurtful. I have been hurtful. When we are at our ugliest it feels as though the wound will never heal.  I know time will make it easy. I also know I can move forward because I have a Savior that promises it.  But the hurt part of me wants to just cry and punch the wall and then cry some more. 

I do not enjoy feeling stupid and bothersome to people especially family.  I am not typically a confrontational person. I will usually will just resign myself to space and time to lick my wounds and that is it.  But hurt the love of my life and the claws come out.  Only the respect for my husband kept me in check.  I had to swallow it and hold it until I was in the car.  I felt helpless as I saw the pain in his eyes knowing he didn't deserve the embarrassment...and those inflicting it were unaware how freely he gives his kindness.  I wanted to scream that they didn't deserve all the kindness he had bestowed and this slight was the last straw. I will not allow people to treat anyone in my family that way even if I'm related to them. 

I don't pretend to be a nice person. I have had too many frustrations with people to ever be called that.  But Christian is the sweetest person that I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  It isn't an act he really is that way. The word hate never crosses his lips. It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone would treat him so awful.

The most frustrating part is that he will continue to be kind regardless...even if I am immature and glare at them with so much anger I could burn a hole in a wall. He will counsel me to let it go and I will. It will happen again and I will feel helpless as I see the sadness well inside him though he is still trying...even though they don't deserve it. 

I know I can't change others. I also know pain makes people do things they shouldn't. I only hope that I can let it go, not for the people, but for Christian. I know my anger will only hurt him more. 

I feel in so many ways my amazing, sweet husband carries with him so much. He has taken so many hits lately...each time the blow feels as though it is stabbing me in the heart.  When can he catch a break?!

I know life isn't suppose to be easy. I know are meant to struggle. I also know that because of the struggles Christian is the amazing person he is.  But there are times I want to scream,  "Enough already!"

I hope when my anger finally evaporates I can let it all go for him.  I want to grow and be a good person, but the petty part of me wants to punish not forgive. I know in the long run it won't solve anything and the good part of me would be so disappointed if I did. But right now my anger doesn't want to care.