Sometimes I feel as though I am fighting a battle that I can't win. After Christian lost his job I sunk into a depression that still haunts me. Just living, breathing, eating, taking care of kids seems to be so much effort. I push myself, but still I see that those menial tasks are all I can accomplish. Then the guilt arrives. It seems unfair that my kids have to deal with a mom that struggles so much to do what is nothing to others.
I have to admit that at times I had a hard time praying. What do I pray for? For relief? What if that isn't that plan? I am not angry with God. I just don't know what to ask for...or want. My heart can't seem to take, "No." So I don't ask...then I'm protecting myself, right?
Wrong.
I realized I need Him...or I just might disappear completely. All that will remain is my misery.
It is easy to look at me and think I'm just being ridiculous or that I can push myself harder. I would too if it weren't me.
But I also realized that it doesn't matter what people think. I have had my feelings hurt deeply by loved ones because they misunderstand me.
Ultimately it doesn't matter what they think. My Heavenly Father knows what I've been through. He knows the Hell that I spent many days in. He knows my heart and that this isn't what I wanted and have fought hard to triumph. That's what matters.
I turned my back on the One and only being that understands me. As much as I wanted those around me here to, "get it." They don't. They aren't me. They can sympathize. They can feel for me. But they don't, "get it." They are human, flawed, and have their own trials and shortcomings.
People, though not on purpose, will fail us. They just will. I know I have missed chances to help others...to see the big picture. But Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ will never fail us. He does see it all and in those hours when we feel that no one will understand...He comes. He doesn't take it away every time. But He does comfort, which honestly helps more than I can express.
When I feel I have nothing left and my fight is over, I am reminded that I still have some left in me...even if He is carrying me as I fight.
