Life marches on and time starts to separate those that have passed. It is a difficult reality. But no matter how much time separates Declan from me, that day returns.
It is swift and vivid.
It comes without warning, mostly, and fills me with the conflicting feelings of happiness and sadness all jumbled together; no real defined line separating one from the other.
I am there...
Broken.
Battered emotionally and physically.
Shattered into a thousand pieces...so many pieces.
Then the peace. The sweet peace that I can still recall. The peace that got me through the awful places I had to trek. The peace that I had to work very hard to find after months of having it so readily available.
I remember the joy of having a baby...even though he didn't come home with us. He was my son and I was grateful for him.
Declan is buried with two toys...a polar bear and a white lamb. I bought another lamb for myself. I cherished it. Then I got another for Ollie...my rainbow baby. Emmy, my daughter, took it and dressed it in a dress. I was annoyed and told her to stop playing with the lamb. At Declan's funeral I remembered the same frustration when Emmy played with Declan's polar bear before they closed the casket. She took the bear out and plopped it back in several times. She exchanged her identical bear as well...until I didn't know which was which. Then I realized she, in a very strange way, was playing with her baby brother. I should respect her way of grieving. Just like the lamb, Emmy has loved everything that represents her brother in our house. I adore her for that. She will pull out Declan's things and ask me to show her. She has always mourned with me...even as a little two year old.
The time is slipping away. My baby wouldn't be a baby anymore. He would be going to preschool and preparing for school in a year and a half. He would be a big brother now.
It hurts that time is going on and we are moving on with our lives. He comes with us, but it still hurts. He is never forgotten, but it hurts. I will miss him until my last breath. He has a piece of my heart that I won't get back until we are reunited.
