I apologize if these photos upset anyone. I am not ashamed of my sweet little boy, so hopefully it doesn't.
These are pictures of my dad holding Declan. I was lucky enough to have my parents and my in-laws able to come from out of town and hold him. He is the only baby I had away from family...but we were still able to have them all through the terrible hours. They were there to help with the awful decisions I didn't want to make right after having my sweet baby.
Those days don't often haunt me, but once in a while I will think of all that occurred. I was such a mess. I remember picking up my phone as it rang and not able to push the 'talk' button. I would just place it back down. Talking on the phone was too much. Breathing was a chore...talking and explaining...much too much.
I spent weeks with texting as my only form of communication to my family and friends. I was amazed the first time I picked up the phone and answered it.
I wish I had spent more time taking pictures of Declan while I had him. I wish I had Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come to the hospital...not just the funeral home. But no amount of pictures would make it better...and I am grateful I have the ones I have...even those that aren't the best quality.
Declan brought Heaven into that hospital room. It was amazing even though we were heartbroken...how amazing the peace that filled that room. Once his body was taken and prepared for burial...that peace was much harder to feel while I sat in my hospital bed...broken.
I am so grateful for those quiet moments that will be cherished my whole life. His tiny body cradled in my arms. His tiny feet in my hands as I felt his small head leaned onto me. He still felt there. My sleeping baby. The nagging feeling that I was going to have to give this up...but wanting to stay there in that moment forever...goodbye could not happen! But it did.
Those moments where I shared Declan with my parents are precious. I will never forget them cradling their fifth grandson with somber expressions.