Last night I couldn't sleep. I found myself studying this picture. The weight of Declan against my cheek. The softness of him. How much I loved a little boy I never got to see open his eyes, move his chubby fists, or hear him cry. My broken body and heart matched that day. I had been blow apart...unsure if repair would be possible.
Here I am. Declan's little brother in my arms. His small hand curled into a fist. His sweet baby breath, softly puffing onto my arm...music to my ears. I can't forget that sad mother. She will always be apart of me. She softly whispers in my ear, "Enjoy this moment...everything can change in a moment..." She paints a picture of herself in my mind as I learn of the loss of others. She has helped shape the woman I am today.
As Christmas approaches my heart feels full...putting pressure on the fracture in my heart. Baby's first Christmas ringing out my mind. Pain of another Christmas in 2010 that was meant to be a little baby boy's first Christmas, seems to follow. Each milestone Ollie reaches reminds me his big brother never reached them. It hurts and it is lovely all wrapped up in one. I never knew grief confused all emotions.
I am so excited for Ollie's first Christmas! But I am equally sad my four children won't be crowded around the tree tearing open gifts. It will be my lifelong sorrow.
Merry Christmas all...may your Christmas be bright even through dark times! Know it is okay to be sad at Christmas too...Thinking of you all!! Thank you for thinking of me through my hard times!!