Dear Declan,

I am finding myself preparing for my fifth Christmas without you.  I never wanted to imagine this long of a separation...and we are just getting started.

This year is special because your baby brother is with us.  How much I wish you to be with us opening gifts, snuggling while watching movies, ice skating, and all the fun holiday events we will experience.

I miss you so much it hurts!  I have learned to live with an aching heart.  It always is missing you, but there are times it takes my breath away.

Your sister misses you so much she will not sleep unless she can cuddle your bear.  A few nights lately she has burst into tears missing you so dearly.


I know you are in a glorious place.  I know you are taken care of and I'm in a harder place than you.  I know that nothing I wish will change what happened.  I know that the rest of my life I will hurt for you.  But if that is price I have to pay to be your mom...so be it.

So grateful for the chance to feel you kick inside of me.  I will never be able to express to anyone how you have changed me forever.  You made a mark onto my heart and it is permanent.

I will carry you with me through the holidays...hopefully I can enjoy them...even though it hurts.  Up until now I have dreaded them.  I have endured them and been relieved when they are finally over.  Hopefully I can still love them for your sister and brothers.

I love you sweet boy!  You are always remembered!!

always,

Mommy