I am so grateful for the difficulty blogging lately. It has been a good problem to have.
Ollie has been a huge part of my healing. I will forever be grateful to him. My heart still has a hole...and I will have that my entire life. But I am getting accustom to the cavity. I still ache and miss him. There are times I stand before his headstone still in awe that my child rests there. It doesn't feel real...not sure it ever will.
Ollie has given me more than I deserve. His baby smiles warm me deeply. His sobs cut me to my heart. His chatting, "Mama," makes me a puddle in his chubby fists.
I am blessed to have three children to love and hold here. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father left me three to love now. I always hope that they will outlive me. I never want to bury another child...please be me first!!
A dear friend lost her husband unexpectedly. It was so shocking it took a while to sink into my brain. Her children are my age and we grew up together. I found out after church and we drove to Declan's cemetery as I talked to my sister. I hung up and felt stunned.
I walked to Declan's grave and slowly felt the pain seep inside. How their family will be changed missing their dad, husband, and grandpa. It is amazing how one minute life can be completely normal and then suddenly normal is ripped away and everything has to be different. I would replay the day before Declan died over and over. How blindsided I had been when I awoke to a chaotic world missing a precious son of mine.
I have no idea how it is to miss a father or husband. I can only imagine. I can't breathe thinking of Christian not being here. My kids missing their dad. My in-laws missing their son and brother. How it would feel as though the biggest and best part of me was lost.
Life is amazingly hard...somehow we continue on though. It is amazing what we can endure...I know I was surprised when I kept living after Declan. So much of me wanted to give up...but the mercy of my Father in Heaven and Savior made it possible. I still don't completely understand how, but I am deeply grateful.
Our pain is never ignored. I felt that so clearly. Even in my dark hours, I knew and felt I was not alone. I hope those that are brokenhearted now will feel how loved they are by those here, but especially those from Heavenly sources.