Each time I tell myself..."I won't fall apart this time."
Then I do.
The last year has left me feeling like a stuffed bear battered and left with less fluff than before.
I slid into a deep, dark place. No one could reach me. I was alone and I felt I would never escape.
I was wrong...
...deep down I knew that I was.
I wasn't alone and I would not stay in my hellish ordeal.
At the point when I felt I could not slide any further down...I called for help.
Literally.
Outloud, sick in my bed, I plead with my Father in Heaven. I knew the burden would not be taken from me. I knew that I was going to have to trudge through this difficult situation. There was learning to do. But I needed some of the pain lifted.
I instantly felt the flood of peace. I knew I would make it. I had no idea how. I had no idea when it would go away. But I would survive.
As I stand on the edge of the precipice I have clawed my way up, I am grateful. I don't exactly know what I am grateful for...maybe survival. Maybe that I learned a few things. Or maybe I just see what is truly important.
Even after Declan died, I thought I had understood what it felt like to have my life ripped away and replaced with something strange. I did to an extent...but what happened the last year was far worse.
My independence, my health, my sanity, and much more were snatched away. I was left bare and vulnerable.
In my dark hours I often wondered why. Why did I get pregnant now? Why did I get my desire when my life was falling apart? Why was it so hard? Couldn't I be blessed without something else taken from me?!
I since have a microscopic Heavenly view of why. My little son who now sleeps in my lap as I type has been the balm to all that ailed me this last year. I know his presence is a constant reminder of the goodness of God. He is my rainbow after my hurricane the last three and half years.
The happiness I feel now is real. It is appreciated. The long storm has left me scarred...hopefully to remember always the saving grace the Atonement offers even in my deepest pain.
I am not seeking perfection in my life, merely the blessings along the way. My trial is not over yet...but I have learned, after many mistakes, I can be happy now. I don't have to wait and miss out on now.
My heart has been especially tender missing my Declan...but I also haven't been as happy as I am now...since he died. It is a strange feeling.
I do not mean it lightly when I say, I am very blessed! Though it may seem trite to say...life is a gift and I haven't been as grateful as I should have. I haven't focused on the right things and hopefully now I do see. I know now it takes a lifetime to understand and be truly grateful for our blessings. It is only through my experiences that I understand my blessings. I would not appreciate Oliver as much as I do without Declan.
I am hopeful I can live a life worthy of the potential my Heavenly Father has gifted to me.
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| Oliver and Declan |