I grew up in a family of all girls. My poor dad was very outnumbered.
When I found out I was having a boy with my first pregnancy, I was panicked. I don't do boys! What in the world was I going to do with a boy?!
I was pleasantly surprised how much I loved it when Bryce was born.
He was my little buddy. His beautiful blue eyes melted my heart. His chubby fist would wrap around my finger. His cute dimple would flash when he smiled. We fell in love with him.
After Emmy I was really craving another boy. Declan, being a surprise, wasn't confirmed a boy until he was born...though I knew almost instantly.
I only had a name picked out for a boy. I only bought clothes for a boy. Somehow I just knew.
When Declan died...I ached for the little boy I felt was taken away. I pictured his blue eyes and blonde hair...much like his older brother.
I wasn't planning on another boy. Somehow when I was pregnant with Oliver I was thinking it was time for another girl...not sure why maybe I thought we had started a pattern.
When the ultrasound tech reached the place she was to announce his gender I knew without her telling me. A boy?! I started to panic. This was too much like Declan's pregnancy. I didn't think I could handle it. It seemed safer to my heart to want a girl.
I quickly got excited at the thought of another buddy. I bought him an outfit and dreamed of the cuddles to come.
When Oliver was born I had no idea how much my kids were craving a little brother. Bryce would hover over him...completely enamored. He begs to hold him. His tiny brother is perfect in his eyes.
It is amazing to see my boys interact. It makes my heart ache for what we missed out with Declan. I think about having three little boys running around while Emmy tries to mother them all. I will have to settle for a reunion later.
Oliver has brought so much joy and comfort with his entrance into our family. However he also brought a lot of memories. Late at night as I wake with him I have caught glimpses of him that look identical to Declan. My heart hurts and longs to hold Declan. I am sad and a little relieved when Oliver doesn't look like a newborn to remind me of Declan. It is a very bitter-sweet reminder.
I am so grateful for another child in my life. He brought a peaceful spirit to my family. Ironically Oliver means: peacemaker. He has definitely been that for us.
I am grateful for all my boys...those here and the one I anticipate to see someday. I never dreamed I would love being a mother to boys so much. I look forward to seeing them become good men...like their father.