Your birthday always comes with such an array of feelings. I am always nervous how I will react. I am excited to celebrate your life and take the entire day to think of you. I am sad that we won't be crowded around you singing, "Happy Birthday!" I miss you and crave you in my arms to cuddle and tell how much I love you. I am happy your brother and sister love your birthday and wake exclaiming, "It's Declan's birthday today!"
This year had the added contradiction of being pregnant for your birthday. I am so happy to be pregnant...but there is a piece of me mourning that you won't be my youngest, the baby of our family. Though I know this is extremely silly since I know you don't care if you are the youngest, your dad and I both feel it is an end of an era.
The celebration of your entrance into our family has made me reflect on all I have learned the last few years. So many thoughts swarm around my head, but the one I am focused on this year is...bravery.
Living, loving, hoping, or wanting are much more difficult than giving up. So many times I felt my mind scream at me, "Just give up! It's too hard!"
Though my heart was broken, it cried out against this advice. It knew you were watching. You were hoping. You were loving. You were wanting all life had to offer us. I could not fail now...too much was at stake.
I had to turn and face the fear that made me quake and want to run for cover.
As we gathered around your grave last night, we crowded around your dad for warmth. He held us all in his arms. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I envisioned you squished in the middle of our family.
We miss you each day and are so grateful you are in our lives. Thank you for wanting us as your family...we so want you.
love always,
Mommy
