I was blissfully unaware of the outcome...though risk factors are regurgitated to pregnant women all the time, everyone thinks, "That won't happen to me."
I had made preparations for a baby that would never use the items I had lovingly and painstakingly chosen.
I went to my doctor's appointment not knowing it would be my last and that I would be heading to the hospital...with no bag packed and not even my purse with me.
Though events surrounding me were chaotic and frightening, I never dreamed that when I woke from my c-section Declan would be laid lovingly in my husband's arms still and not made for this world.
I had no idea it would take so much time to get pregnant again...since I had never struggled previously.
I was unaware how the pain seemed to progressively get worse before it started to lighten.
I had no idea that losing Declan would be one of many struggles that would befall Christian and I...all of which would compound an already broken heart.
As I feel this new baby kick and it starts to feel real that we are indeed having another baby, I can't help remembering.
I miss him dearly, but thinking back has sweet feelings. The smells that bring me back to my hospital room. The music I listened to as I wrapped myself in his blanket and took it the cuddliness. The memories are now soft and comfy...instead of sharp and painful.
All this journey of my new pregnancy I have worn a necklace with a little silver 'D' on it. I have held on to it as morning sickness has wracked my poor body. It gave me hope when it was dark and terrible after Christian lost his job. I had lived my worst nightmare...I could survive this. It has cheered me as I think of how happy Declan is that we are preparing for his little brother or sister.
I feel very blessed in spite of all that has nearly crushed me the last three years. I am trying hard to be happy with what I have though nothing has happened the way I have envisioned it. I know my Heavenly Father knows better than I do and I trust that if I had all I wanted I wouldn't be on the pathway toward the person He would have me be.