I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have had very little enthusiasm for the holidays.
All of the tasks that accompany these days makes me feel like staying in bed. I went Christmas shopping the other day and nearly burst into tears. I'm not feeling great, first of all, and second I just don't know how to do it all.
My poor mind and body are so stressed beyond anything they ever have been before. I have so much occupying my mind and heart. How do I fit anything else in there?!
My son was supposed to have fabric for a project. I was instructed to cut them into strips. My pregnant mind forgot. I didn't get it in on time. Then I when I finally got the fabric I forgot to get it cut into the tiny strips...until one in the morning.
I stood at the table feeling at any moment I might pass out as my hand worked the scissors on the fabric. It was definitely a labor of love. As I took breaks and sat down to catch my breath I wondered how I would continue. Somehow I finished.
I am so worn out. I want to absorb this wonderful season. I want to do fun things with my kids. I want to laugh and enjoy the time with family. But my body wants to break down and not cooperate. My mind wants to plague me with a thousands worries I can't turn off.
I know I am not the only one struggling. There are many people who have illnesses that I will never understand. There are people who are so lonely they have no one to turn to. I know there are women who ache for a child and are constantly heartbroken.
I know I am blessed. I know that this baby is worth all the pain and nervousness. I know my children are so excited to welcome a baby home. I know that most likely I will bring this baby home and everything will turn out fine.
I try very hard not to throw myself a pity party. Somehow it still happens more than I would like to admit.
I just hope I can really enjoy Christmas. I know the presents and things that are overwhelming me aren't really what the season is about, so hopefully I can center my Christmas on something much more important.
