Sneaky

It was halfway through a baby blessing I realized the gut-wrenching reaction was not present.

(In my faith we bless our babies when they are a few months old.  It is where they are officially presented to our church and given a name.)

I was unable to do this with Declan and therefore it hurt every time I was in the congregation during one.

Then last month I almost gasped halfway through some stranger's baby blessing...it didn't hurt!

I have attended a few since then...same result.  It is almost over before I realize...oh, this used to hurt!

I wasn't expecting that...not that I have ever really known what to expect through all this.

I cheerfully announced to Christian on the way home my little discovery.  It felt good...all those tiny baby steps were leading me somewhere!

Now when I see a two year old my heart automatically takes in everything the tiny toddler does.  I can't help picturing my little blonde, blue-eyed boy giggling as he runs along side the toddler I am watching.  But the pain isn't my companion...just my hope to see him someday.

I never thought that would happen.

I honestly expected I would always wince when I saw kids his age.  I'm sure kindergartners and high school graduates his age will hurt...but this gives me hope.  Life will be very sweet with a little bitter...not the other way around.

I have been working harder to push passed my weaknesses.  One, in particular, I really want to remove is my narrow vision.  I get caught up in the moment...being a mom, wife, difficult things, etc...and fail to see the masterful artwork laid before me by my Father in Heaven.  It may be cliche, but life is truly beautiful.

I don't always see it.

I panic in moments I should take a breath and see it for what it is...a small moment in time.

I rush when I need to slow down.

I miss the big picture too often with my kids...they won't be small forever.

I'm frightened when I want to be brave.

I sweat the small things more than I don't.

If life is a gift why am I scared to open it?

The last two years have I have been petrified of what could happen next and I tried to protect myself from more pain...but that isn't the sum of a life, in my opinion.

I want to live!

As I am approaching 31 this week I want to start a new chapter in my life.  The chapter:  I wasn't afraid to enjoy, let myself make plans, love the life I have been given...for as long as I have it.

And most of all, to enjoy the time I did have with Declan, not focus on what I am missing.