I suppose it was naive not to realize how much Christian and I would go through together as we were engaged. Maybe I thought the craziness of life would be our lot in life.
How would we have time for everything? Who is going to do dishes when we are both tired? Who smeared chocolate on the wall?!...And it better be chocolate!...etc.
Never in my wildest dreams when I held my tiny Bryce in my arms did I realize how completely challenging my life would seem.
On the other hand, I never knew how amazing it would be to go through it all with Christian.
As I watched him calm our two screaming babies as they entered the world three years apart, it was burned into my heart and memory forever. They were his...he was theirs. Instant recognition that he was their dad and they were safe.
Heart-wrenching, lonely-filled nights I found my hand grasped in his...it quite honestly might have been the only physical thing tethering me to my survival.
It definitely hasn't been perfect. No relationship is...but that is the beauty in a relationship. Most of the time it is a new day and yesterday's failures will be forgotten to make room for the future.
Many times in the last three years I have wondered: How did I get here? How am I still standing? Did that really, seriously happen?!
I visit Declan's grave at least weekly. Every time I stand there and trace his name, with my eyes, I am stunned that is my child...this really is my reality.
Yesterday I took my camera and watched as Christian slowly walk to Declan's grave, from my car window. (I snapped pictures as he unknowingly stood and looked at our tiny son's grave.)
We had just been to church so he was still in his suit and suddenly I was back at the funeral. Christian dressed in a suit carrying the tiniest casket I had ever beheld with my eyes.
How did we survive that?
I wonder that daily.
The only two conclusions I have: The grace of God. My adoration for Christian and his for me.
As I have known Christian longer than I haven't, at this point in my life, I know he was Heaven sent. His kind heart and quiet love are powerful to those he loves. As my children quickly recognized on the day they were born, being around Christian feels like home...safe. I noticed that when I was only 14.
Christian has witnessed me as an immature teenager, to a crazy young adult, to a frightened mother, and now I suppose I can finally call myself a full fledged adult now. All along the way I always felt more than I thought, or had the right to think, I could be.
The last few years I have repetitively struggled processing all that happened. The pain, horror, sadness, longing, doubts, blaming myself, and hoping.
He has ridden the trying-to-get-pregnant-express up and down over and over again. My tears and heartbreak have always been heard. Arms are always offered to collapse into and sob.
He never complained...even boarding the terrible baby-ride that doesn't seem to end.
He has never made me feel my pain was in the way of his own...though I know how deeply he has missed our little boy.
Would I go back and change anything?
I will never be grateful for Declan's departure. But as I know deep in my heart this was the only way...no. Surprisingly, no I wouldn't change it. I don't think I would know how very much I adore Christian as I do now.
Nor would I see how very much Christian loves me and allowed him to love me, however undeserving I may have felt along the way.