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I love music. My little sister and I swap music constantly. We are the only red heads in the family and have apparently developed the same taste in music.
My sisters and I went to a concert to hear some of our favorite bands last weekend. (I have one of those bands as the music to this blog: He is We)
It was amazing!
As a mom and wife I forget that I am still a person sometimes. I have my own thoughts and likes that have nothing to do with raising kids or relationships.
It reminded me to not lose myself in parenting. I love being a mom! It is something I never thought I would enjoy so much and drive me crazy at the same time. But I let my thoughts about my kids override everything else about me...then Christy becomes invisible.
I am good at self-loathing, but not giving myself a break. As I have tried to allow myself to be human I have noticed I am a better mom anyway. So why am I so hard on myself?
I look in the mirror and look at everything that has declined since my wedding day. (Really helpful)
My in-laws had a family picture done when Emmy was a baby. I was looking at it the other day. I grinned looking at the girl, who I thought at the time was overweight and not quite up to snuff, and realized I was being so mean to myself.
It's okay to like myself. I don't have to tell myself I'm ugly to be humble.
As Christian has aged it has only increased my love for him. The lines that have developed around his eyes and grey peppering his amazing dark hair, only add to his attractiveness. So why wouldn't that be the case for me?
I finally decided to trust Christian when he tells me I'm more beautiful than when we were married. It is hard not to roll my eyes and think, "Yeah right!" But I'm trying to allow him to love the current me...even if I look in the mirror and don't see the person I feel I am inside.
I don't want my kids to take a back-seat to what I want, but I am starting to see that they don't have to nudge out me either. Being a mom is definitely refining and takes more than I sometimes feel I have. I feel as I'm trying to teach my children to be respectful and loving people I am talking to two brick walls. Then I get, "I hate you!" or "I wish you weren't my mom!" Then all that work and effort feels for not...especially when I let being a mom become my only identity.
I need to cultivate the person I am along with being a wife and mother. I had left out me in the process of being a wife and especially a mom.
I went on a trip with Christian last year...my first since having kids...I know sad! I remember walking in Whole Foods and almost giggling. I can think! No one was whining, running down the aisle, running into other customers, or screaming at her brother to leave her alone. It was just me. Christian and I went for walks, swung on swings, and goofed off at the lake. It was amazing!! Again, I felt the me that had been neglected almost 8 years ago when I brought Bryce home from the hospital.
I want my kids to see me as me...as well as a mom. How can expect them to become amazing people, when I allow myself to fall through the cracks?