Boxes stacked, plastic wrapped furniture, and many tear filled days were my reality for several days.
It wasn't easy...but I did it.
We are moved.
As I said goodbye to my house I sobbed. I lingered in Bryce's room and felt the sting so bad I wasn't sure why I was leaving at one point. I sipped in my sob and I hurried out of my home...now only my house.
Moments later I knew I had made the right decision...though I was still hurting.
I followed the huge moving truck as we left town. We drove by Bryce's school. My heart sunk as I thought of how hard it was to get him to go and now I had to start all over again...*sigh.*
Memories flooded as I pictured Emmy screaming in the back of the car as we had entered the town we would call home for four years.
It is strange to be back.
Many things have changed...and many have not.
I drove around the first day feeling lost. Where did I shop? I couldn't remember.
Now what?
I was overwhelmed by the possibilities.
My kids seem to enjoy it.
Emmy thanked me for moving us here. She adores seeing her grandparents and cousins.
After we had stored everything I had placed the metal decoration for Declan's grave in the trunk of the car. On the top is a bell.
When Declan first died I found myself lost in thought most of the time. I could hear the garbled noise of my kids asking my questions and I would snap back to the present. I felt I was living my life through a fog...always hazy with the sorrow blocking the full force of my life.
Now it only happens occasionally.
I was driving the other day and my kids were chatting in the backseat. My mind slid to thoughts I don't particularly like. My heart started to feel the pressure and I tried to calm myself down.
Emmy asked me a question and I answered still in the haze of the traumatizing thoughts.
Then...
*ring*
*ring*
*ring*
...from Declan's bell.
Oh yeah, I forgot to take that out!
Another bump in the road...
*ring*
The beautiful tiny bell punctured the thoughts and popped the strange bubble.
Another day passed...still had forgotten to take out the bell.
My kids argued in the backseat. Christian was trying to defuse as I drove.
*ring*
*ring*
*ring*
I smiled, though it was chaos in the car.
It felt almost as if Declan was putting in his two cents. I'm sure he probably wasn't...but it made me smile.
Usually the fights of my kids get under my skin and I grumbled to them about only having each other...blah, blah,...get along...can't you just stop...blah, blah, blah...
But with the beautiful chiming of the bell I just enjoyed it. This is life. It will be short. The fighting welded beautifully with the bell and I found myself absorbing the noise joyfully.
Absolutely what I needed.
I had felt strange and out of place here in our previous home. We have visited many times once we left, but living here felt odd. I loved it and was terrified of it.
I couldn't even visit Declan's grave for the first week.
I finally broke down and as I drove from having an early dinner with my sister I found myself turning into the cemetery.
My kids had asked to stay in the car so I left them to walk over to the grave.
I stood there only for a moment.
I snapped a picture of the Easter decor my mom and dad had placed then I hurried off.
It was strange to be able to stop and see his grave just along my day.
I hope to be able to run to his grave from where I live now...this will take some time though.
We are grateful to be here. The sting of leaving where we came from is still there. Many friends are very missed. But hopefully we will still see them in the future...though it isn't the same as seeing them whenever we wanted.
This was a very difficult move for me. But as Christian keeps reminding all of us, "I can do hard things."