Cathartic

I sat in my theater class as my professor explained the emotional catharsis.  I had pictured many times I had felt such a feeling watching a movie or looking at a piece of art...but I had so much to understand still at 19 years old.

I have been trying to use many of my cleaners and soaps so I don't have to bring them with me or store them when I move.

I have a bottle of Dreft that I use to wash the baby blankets.  I have hardly any left, but I wanted to use it.  So I washed my favorite sweater in it.

Yesterday I wore said sweater.  As I bustled around my house every once in a while I would inhale the sweet aroma.  Each time I would think..."Where is that coming from?"  After the seventh time you would think I would figure it out, but the breeze of the delicious smell would only come periodically.

My mind would instantly picture a soft cuddly blanket.  A sweet baby head full of baby fuzz.

I paused each time and savored the moment...then the beautiful scent would fade into the background and I continued my day.

Packing everything has been bitter-sweet.  I am excited for my new journey.  I even like going through everything in my house and cherishing all the memories...

The crack in our paint on the banister from when our house got to 100 degrees and we all had to sleep down in the den since our downstairs air conditioning was still working.

Emmy's first and only room since she was a tiny 4 month old.  The pink curtains I picked just for her.  The vinyl tree with pink blooms.  Waking in the wee hours of the morning to scoop baby Emmy out of her crib and nurse her.

The room Declan was supposed to share with his brother.  The colors I picked for them both.  The furniture I bought for him.

Making airplanes and hanging them up for Bryce, because he loved paper airplanes so much he slept with them...especially the ones that his dad would make.  Sitting in Bryce's room while he slept, sobbing uncontrollably hoping I wouldn't ever have to say goodbye to my only living son.

I have laughed one minute as I look through all our belongings and then the next something will come out of nowhere and tears are suddenly streaming down my face.

I never liked moving much and always felt the pain of leaving deeply, but this is a whole different feeling.

It feels good to relish all the varieties of emotions that came with this home...each of them making a lasting impression on my soul.

It has taken many months to get myself ready for this move.  One week is all I have left.  I am grateful to start new; to change things up and not have the constant reminders of where I carried Declan and tried to pick up the pieces when I said goodbye to him.

Then there is the panic.  What if I can't do this?  What if I can't leave?  This is where I grieved for him...in my mind it is hallowed ground.

This morning as I woke to the beautiful sunlight streaming into my room I almost felt living here was a mere dream...I awoke four years ago.  We are cradling baby Emmy as we think about our new adventure awaiting us in another state...only we aren't cradling Emmy she is the beautiful almost five year old and we are going to the state we came from.

Walking through that front door of my house the day we moved here I had so many dreams.  Those dreams are resurfacing after the dust is settling in our grief.

My cleansing soul is ready...for what I'm not sure.  But out of all this craziness I am starting to realize that I am starting to reach out and grasp the life I need not fear to hope for.  I can enjoy and not fear that everything will come tumbling down again.  Even if does...I rather spend the time I have now loving life...not cowering from it.