I have always had a terrible fear of public speaking. As much as it annoys me, I haven't seemed to rid myself of it.
I remembering feigning sick when I had a speech to give about the planet Jupiter in middle school.
Then when I went to college I was asked to teach in our meeting for just women. I surprisingly answered yes.
I was a mess each time I taught.
I was hardly audible even when I wasn't crying.
Slowly as the years have gone by I have taken baby steps to be better at standing in front of a group of people.
Our church sets aside the first Sunday each month as a day of fast. It is a special day to give charitably for the meals we would have eaten to our church to distribute to those in need. In addition, our first month Sacrament meeting, is a day where we are invited up to share our testimonies.
This is usually something I avoid. I remember dozens of times feeling prompted, but squelching any thoughts of actually going up.
Then Declan died.
I remember soon after rising from my seat and taking the many steps to walk to the stand. I approached the microphone and couldn't believe I had the courage.
I had wanted to allow the Lord to make me, a weak thing, strong. So I followed the promptings to rise and speak.
Somewhere along the way I fell back into old habits. I couldn't bring myself to stand in front of people and express anything...especially something so near and dear to my heart.
Today was Fast Sunday. I had planned on getting up, it was going to be the last Fast Sunday here.
As the time ticked away I found myself with five minutes to go. We had been late and all the way in the back. So I pushed myself to make the long journey up. I kept telling myself, "Almost there. You are almost there."
My testimony was simple and I honestly don't know if that was the reason I was supposed to go up. As I walked down from the stand, when I was done, I felt relief I had done something so hard for me...even though every piece of me wanted to stay rooted next to my kids.
I pushed myself a lot after Declan died. I felt fear and I were never to occupy the same room...for I had been living my biggest fear...what else was there to fear?
Then something happened. I opened the door and the crippling fear over ran me. I couldn't function without worrying about everything.
I am starting to feel I just might get that door shut after all or at the very least have more faith that will dispel those fears from preventing me from doing what I want.
