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Since reaching fourteen or so, I have been on a search to discover myself. Who was I going to be? What would I accomplish? Who would I allow to influence me?
I thought I had everything figured out about 18. I knew what I wanted, who I wanted to be, and how I would get there.
Then something happened...
Life.
It was harder than anticipated, but the times it was good took my breath away.
Two and almost 1/2 years have passed since I felt who I was became confusing.
At first it was easy to know who I was. Grief and pain had been my companion, but along with it I had a strong reassurance from my Heavenly Father everything was going to be okay.
Around the eight month mark into this new journey I slipped away from myself.
I desperately tried to fight for her. Begged her to come back. I didn't want to just survive, I wanted to thrive. The very thing I didn't want, became my reality.
I felt I was treading water against a hurricane...and obviously not winning.
Who did I want to be now?
What did I even want out of life?
I had no answers. I knew I should. But they were swirling around somewhere with my grief and to some extent shame.
I had done so much soul searching and caught glimpses of the person I was meant to be, but she would not stay for long.
So I was left feeling lost the majority of the time.
The loneliness started to crush me.
I still knew Heavenly Father loved me. I still could function as a person. But something was missing.
Looking back at my blog posts and my journey through my grief I think I had little glimpses into what awaited me and then I would feel the confusion of grief take over again. Each glimpse was longer and leaving more of an impact.
A few weeks ago was so difficult for several reasons. The only way to get through was on my knees. I have always prayed...and even quite fervently.
This was very different. It wasn't the ridged, formal prayer that too often escapes my lips. It was a daughter going to her Father with her troubles. I actually found myself excited to kneel down each day.
I think I was expecting imperfect people to be perfect in understanding my suffering and neglected the perfect Father who would never fail me. He offers the best comfort, the quiet love, the gentle advice, and unconditional love.
Unlike people here, who are burdened with life and all the craziness they encounter, He never is too busy for us.
I knew all this...but I guess all those years of thinking it - it finally really sunk into the deep recesses of my heart.
I was always there, waiting to be found. Heavenly Father was just waiting for a chat with His daughter to show her the way.