It probably would never have made me pause, as my heart throbbed, before three years ago.
It even seems silly now as I think about it.
But as soon as that question was sent out of Bryce's mouth I couldn't help what followed.
I always had a list of things I could not eat for a long time after a pregnancy. Most of those items would resolve themselves.
But after Declan's pregnancy there was one dish that ruined a few foods for me. I had made a pasta salad with rice pasta and olives. I won't go into the gory details, but sufficeth to say it my pregnant stomach didn't like it.
It was so awful that I still feel queasy about eating rice pasta and olives. So when Bryce asked me about olives I had a hard time not dry heaving.
It is crazy how many times Declan comes to mind in such strange ways. It isn't so bad and I actually feel it is a blessing most of the time.
It is a way to always remember him.
The hard part is explaining him to others. Most people know that I talk to every day. But there are occasionally people who ask a simple question of how many kids I have. I swear that when it was just Emmy and Bryce people would leave the quandary at 2.
But now...it never fails, after I answer 3, I am asked what their ages are.
Usually I have Emmy with me so they see her and think she is the youngest of three.
I sigh inwardly.
"I have a 7 year old. She is 4. And our baby would be 2." I say.
I always see their face twist into a mix between shock and grief. Then I think, "Why don't I just say 2 so we don't have to do this every time?"
I hate dropping bombs everywhere I go. Even if I word it just right, where it isn't upsetting...it still is.
Sometimes I wish people wouldn't ask. I know that is ridiculous. Maybe I'm mean and uninterested in people's kids, but I never ask how many kids people have.
I'm not sure if it is because I have a lot of friends that have a hard time bringing children into their families or honestly that isn't something I even think to ask. But sometimes I wish people were a little more uninterested.
It isn't that I dislike talking about Declan. I just don't want to be the person with a dark cloud everywhere I go. Conversations wane. People shift uncomfortably. Their faces drop and I can tell their heart hurts. It isn't something I enjoy watching.
I suppose that is just part of this strange journey I wasn't anticipating. After 2 1/2 years I didn't expect it to still be a question I would be avoiding. At least I can say it now...without weeping uncontrollably.
Happily, when people ask if I like olives I don't have to tell them why...
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