My mind told me this would be hard...I had avoided it for two years. Still I pressed onward ignoring the cold I detested.
When I arrived at the snow-covered headstone I paused.
Did it hurt as bad as I thought?
No...surprisingly.
A sigh of relief escaped my freezing lips.
Christian and I crouched down to start removing the thick blanket of snow.
My bare-hand throbbed painful as I clawed the icy crust under the soft powdery snow.
Tears stung my eyes as my fingers could no longer remove the snow. I clutched my burning hand.
My living children tired of the cold quickly and dashed off to the car to warm themselves.
I stood waiting for it.
The cold weather dulled my pain momentarily...then as though bursting forth from some dammed place, it was there washing over me.
I cried uttering how much I missed him.
My words echoed by my husband.
The next time, I was prepared with heavy boots. I dashed through the snow alone.
I cleaned up the headstone once more. Then inspired by a good friend I started to walk next to his headstone...making a snow heart.
I perfected the heart.
Then I whispered, "Bye."
Tearfully I dashed back to my car where my family waited to head home.
The holidays are not the same since I said goodbye to Declan. I love the holidays still, but I am very emotional.
My cute nephew thought that this Christmas we all were going to see Declan and our deceased grandfather. We all enjoyed his five year old assumption...but we all echoed it inside our hearts.
My mom bought a stocking for Declan. I pinned a 'D' onto it. It remained with my family's stockings all of Christmas.
How I wish it could be filled with treats and 2 year old toys.
It was a great Christmas. Emmy got her white Christmas she begged for. Bryce got to go sledding for the first time.
I had planned on donating blankets as I was up there. The day came we had decided and I couldn't go. I couldn't even visit Declan's grave.
So I waited...hoping I would want to go. Then my sister-in-law's sister lost her 10 month baby boy. I was grateful I hadn't donated them yet...but wasn't sure this would comfort her.
I spent many moments alone crying for the mother missing her son...whom I have never met. I couldn't imagine spending my holidays planning a funeral.
As we visited Declan's grave I had noticed a funeral had taken place recently. I couldn't help feeling for those who lost at this particular time of year.
I haven't given the rest of my blankets. I just couldn't make it to the hospital. So I will try to do it soon where I live.
I hope the holidays were amazing for you all!
