This year Christian is studying for his job so it shifts most of the holiday preparations onto me.
I have decided this year...less is more...will be my motto. The holidays can be very hard during grief and add stress on top and it about crushes the person. So I realized this year...why am I worrying about so much to do.
I am embarrassed to say with the small amount I have taken on I had a momentary breakdown. I exclaimed, in a frazzle, to Christian, "There is so much to do! We never have to time to plan it out!"
He calmly told me that he would set aside time to figure it all out that night. So an hour and a half was dedicated for the "talk."
The time came and I was ready to talk.
Christian looked at me and said, "Okay...what do we need to figure out?"
I began with an exhausted sigh..."First..." (as though this was the beginning of a LONG conversation) "...we have to decide when we are going Christmas shopping."
Christian nodded. "Okay, how about Saturday?"
I shrugged and didn't see any reason we couldn't.
"Okay, what else?" He was bracing himself for much more.
"Um...I guess that's it." I sheepishly admitted.
He didn't say anything. I could see a little glint in his eye. I'm sure he was thinking, "I just set aside an hour and half for a 5 second conversation?!"
I definitely know at least for me that things aren't as complicated as I make them out to be.
After my ridiculous reaction to the holidays I tried really hard to see the holidays as a blessing rather than a difficult, stress-filled time.
I have made a few gifts this year. Typically I am running around the house like a crazy woman until I get them done. I have these grand ideas and then end up settling for much less because I get overwhelmed. But I haven't felt that way this year...at least so far.
Every year I think...I really understand what Christmas is REALLY about...and then every year I feel deflated as the day comes and all the gifts are unwrapped and it feels over...somehow.
This year I feel a very different side to Christmas. The gifts are enjoyable...but not my focus anymore (especially after the fool I made of myself wanting to go shopping).
I love this season more and more as I get older. Though the last two Christmases have been really hard not watching my toddler ripping open gifts or not hold an infant as I try to open gifts...they have been special. I had my other two kids to enjoy. I had a husband to hug me and squeeze my hand when he knew I was holding back the tears.
Two years, two months, and 14 days since Declan exited upon entering this world.
Not a day, out of the 806 I have lived without him, has gone by I don't think of him. Some are amazing days, others have felt as though I might snap in half...but I have made it through all of them. Looking back I am happy with the progress I am making. My heart has calmed and I don't feel it ache like it used to from all the anxiety plaguing me.
The anger of not getting pregnant when I wanted is gone. All I have left is hope...one day it will happen.
Christmas is a gift each year for us to reflect on what really is important. I know I tried to keep that perspective when I was younger, but it was difficult to remember.
Declan has been my 806 day reminder of what truly matters. I'm imperfect and still lose sight of it, but he has been a gift to me. He is the lighthouse beckoning me to remember that life is so brief and the two children I see each day won't stay little forever.
I am truly grateful for the birth of our Savior. I cannot imagine our existence here without having Him sacrifice so much for us to live good lives and keep all that is meaningful here...even after we leave.
Life is certainly not easy. I look around at people in my life and some of them seem to be given a very unfair deal, but even with all the suffering I still believe in God. We wouldn't survive it without Him and His Son. I know for me I wouldn't be here today without knowing He is there and keeps us close to His heart.
May you all have a Merry Christmas!
