This year is the first year I am actually really excited.
I'm probably going to pay for this, as in my grief I have always been blind-sided by events turning out to be more painful than anticipated...i.e. Declan's 2nd birthday.
But I just feel different this year.
It just hurt before.
The baby's first Christmas onesies in the store stabbed. The baby ornaments. The thought of spending a family event without one of us...awful!
I have honestly spent many hours dreading or recouping from the holidays.
I am pleased that those thoughts haven't presented themselves yet...even for Thanksgiving. I actually put my tree up the day after Thanksgiving. I smiled and played Christmas music. I let Emmy line up five ornaments in a straight line and didn't tell her to fix it. I placed Declan's ornament without sobbing uncontrollably.
Things are getting better!
I laid next to Christian the other night as he was drifting off to sleep. We were talking about Declan and he mentioned that he didn't want to ever feel that he had forgotten Declan. I replied that I didn't either. However I don't want to always be sad when I think about him.
I want to be able to take him with me where ever I am. But I don't want the pain to follow me like a cloud that keeps the sun away from me.
I told Christian I was determined not to let Declan's passing prevent me from being...doing...and becoming the person I am meant to be. I won't go down without a fight. Declan wouldn't want me to.
I have very special and sweet moments I will cherish my whole life that occurred in the depth my grief and extreme pain. But I didn't like feeling I was missing my life.
Now I can look back at Declan's birth and think of it as an amazing day...not the day we were blasted apart. I can remember vividly when I found out Declan was a boy. The excitement and joy that over came me that I was right all along...since we had chosen not to find out his gender. I had connected to Declan, just like my other two...maybe more. We had many special months to get to know each other. I know how much he loved his little body since he moved almost constantly...except when I was sleeping...which I like to think was him being considerate to his mom.
This did not come about easily. I had many...too many...days of no hope, feeling lost, worrying that I would never, ever recover, and then peace.
I don't know all the reasons why Declan isn't here. I probably won't until I die. But it doesn't matter anymore. I trust. I have faith that Heavenly Father understands and I need not worry about things I can't control. He has assured me many times that I will be okay, in fact better than okay, and this was never meant to break me into unrepairable pieces.
I have never minded missing Declan. I can miss someone and still function as a person. What I struggled with was the searing pain that distracted me from my husband, children, and my Heavenly Father. So when I say I have peace...Declan is still missed.
I talked to Bryce last night about the Atonement. As I bore my testimony to him about the suffering the Savior did I reminded him that all that pain wasn't just for sin. It was for all pain...even grief. I tearfully told him how hard losing Declan was and I have felt the help of the Savior.
There is no time schedule. I realized that. I wanted to move forward so often to find myself not only stalled, but knocked backward flat on the ground. I didn't want to forget...just be apart of my own life. I wanted the driver's seat...not glancing over from the passenger or even worse from the sidewalk.
Where ever you are in the car of your life...don't lose hope! You will get there! Have faith in yourself that you can do this! I promise you can! And most of all...have faith in Him..."Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord." (Psalms 31:24)
I love this talk and I wanted to share it, especially the story of his daughter-in-law. I feel it was exactly what I needed to hear when I watched it for the first time (about the 9:50 mark in the video)...
(I love hearing from President Eyring...he reminds me of my dear father-in-law)
