Sifting through all the storage has been a chore, but more than anything it has pulled at my heart.
After Declan died my dad went through my house and packed up a lot of the baby stuff and placed it out of sight. I went and searched for it a few weeks later and gathered it. Then I tucked it in my kids' closets and left it there until last week.
Emmy's room has been a mess because I haven't gone through her clothes and put up the items that are too small. So I recruited Bryce and her to help me.
As I pulled out my Boppy, I had recovered just for Declan, and the bouncy seat from the top of her closet my heart stung.
At one point I sat on the floor of her closet hugging a teddy bear.
Christian found me there as I paused in my organizing to regroup. His eyes showed he understood, though he said nothing about my clutched arms around the rather large bear.
I blurted that I was putting all the baby stuff away.
He nodded confessing he knew I was having a hard time.
It took me a minute, but I finished. Declan's comforter, bumper pads, sheets, and many more items were placed away.
I don't know why it took me two years to put them officially away. I suppose in the back of my mind I thought maybe we would need them. But as the answers continue to be no, I decided to stop hurting myself and put it all away.
As I took down the bouncy seat Emmy exclaimed that she remembered it. I smiled and told her it was once hers.
She then asked why I was taking it down.
"I'm putting all the baby stuff away since we don't have a baby." I replied.
She paused and I thought that was the end of it. Then she opened her mouth and uttered, "But I want to Declan to use them."
I bit my trembling lips as I thought of what to say. Did she think he was coming home eventually?
I choked back the tears as I explained when we see Declan again it will be in Heaven...he didn't need these things.
I could tell it was hurting her. Then she blurted, "But I want Declan."
"Me too." I squeaked out as I stopped trying to keep the tears from spilling over my eyelids.
I know that sweet girl brimming with golden curls was sent to help me through this. The fact that she never forgets Declan and allows me to talk about him whenever I want...is a gift. She cries with me. She understands beyond her four years when I am sad, even when I never speak a word about it. Her arms are constantly wrapping around me. Her tiny girl-voice bubbles loving words.
Yesterday I got all dolled up to go out to dinner for Christian's work. Emmy practically jumped up and down as she looked at me.
"Mommy! You look beautiful!" She exclaimed.
I never knew how much a four year old would boost my self-esteem. I grinned and asked her if she liked my lipstick. She giggled and nodded excitedly.
Somehow Emmy has aspired to be a mommy. She has started several conversations with, "When I'm a mommy..."
I know I, by no means, make being a mom glamorous, so I am grateful for a daughter that looks passed my inefficiencies and still wants to be a mom. So grateful for her!
It drives me a little crazy when people tell me, after I have informed them of Declan and his departure, that at least I have other kids. I know they are just being sweet, but it still causes an angry growl inside my head. It isn't that they aren't right. I am blessed! And as much as it annoys me, I really AM so grateful! But it always makes me feel as though they think it makes up for Declan's absence. No one that has lost a child will ever feel that it makes up for it. It is a huge blessing, but no one is replaceable and nothing, but that person, can make up for it. There is a hole. Your other children can spill over to help the hole not feel so painful, but it will never, ever be covered by anyone else.
So when comforting people PLEASE remember this simple thing: The absence is a lifetime...nothing makes up for that. I'm not saying life is awful and dreary, but we won't be complete until our reunion...and nothing, absolutely nothing or no one will fill that hole.
