"Let us follow Him. Let us emulate His example. Let us obey His word. By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude.
My sincere prayer is that we may, in our individual lives, reflect that marvelous virtue: an attitude of gratitude."- Thomas S. Monson (April 1992)
I love this time of year. The magic that surrounds us makes the Holidays extra special. People are kinder...usually...and more likely to serve.
Fall has been described as sad and dreary...but I think it rather delightful. I love the crisp air. The crunching leaves. I'll never forget in college walking down the long sidewalk full of colorful leaves scattered about.
Now that I live in a warmer climate where we don't have the changing leaves and crisp air...I have to enjoy the memories of it.
November always sparks many to reflect on our gratitude for so many things. I have thought much about this lately.
I have always been the kid that saw the grass was much greener and lush somewhere other than where I was standing.
Jealously for what I wasn't allowed to get. Confusion of why I got the short end of the stick.
I'm embarrassed to say I have many times not rejoiced in what other have been given...because it wasn't given to me.
Many times I have felt Heavenly Father prompting me to see all that I have...to not worry what he blessed others with...but rather what he blessed ME with.
So I have tried vigilantly to see this much more in my life. I have been grateful for my family, food, my home...but I haven't really been actively trying to be happy for other people as well.
So this year I am grateful not just for my blessings, but the blessings I see others have.
So what am I thankful for now in my life?
My knowledge of my Heavenly Father and His Son and His sacrifices for us.
My husband!!! (Never would be where or who I am without him)
My children. (I know they have pushed me to be better and I have more compassion and love because of all 3 of them)
My family.
My friends.
My home. (Where I can reside with my little family and make memories)
Music. (Life wouldn't be life without it)
Art. (It kept me sane in high school and inspires me today)
Nature. (Heavenly Father's canvas)
Technology. (Though it can overtake our lives I am so grateful for it...otherwise I wouldn't be able to stay in contact with my family and friends that live far away)
Compassion. (I know recently that has been a gift afforded me both by others and my new understanding of loss)
Health. (After witnessing Christian's health restored, watching my baby's sick heart - beat too rapidly, watching my grandpa die of cancer, and my own health issues...I am grateful when my family is healthy and strong)
Work. (I never thought when I was young I would be grateful for this. But watching what it does for me and my children...the self worth that comes from it. It is a blessing to be able to work)
Love. (I know this sounds cliche...but the ability to love is a gift. Without it nothing would be worth it. It drove all the extraordinarily benevolent acts historically impacting...especially the Atonement and Crucifixion and for people to sacrifice for children and spouses the selfish desires of the hearts of men.)
I am very grateful for all the practical things such as food, clean water, garbage removal, refrigerators, etc.
After Declan died I realized quickly what things were actually important and those that weren't. Saying goodbye makes life's struggles seem so frivolous. The lessons I wanted to teach my children changed. I still do the silly things such as make sure my son's hair is in place when he goes to school...but I don't care the way I used to...if anything the only reason I care now is to still spend time with him.
My mom told me her grandma once said, "Love is the most important part of a relationship...love can still reside in a hovel." This grandma is special to me...I was born on her birthday and named after her. I think she was right. Finances have been difficult for Christian and I...but I realized recently that it doesn't matter. We always have enough...and I love him all the more for being willing to be apart of my little family even though it isn't glorious or glamorous.
My great grandma lost the love of her life when my own grandma was small. She went on to work and cared for 4 girls alone...missing her beloved. I try to remember that when things aren't going as smoothly as they could with Christian. So I take her advice dearly to my heart.
This Christmas I have thought a lot about what I want. I have talked to my kids and what all of us really want is just to spend Christmas with family. Usually I think we are having a small Christmas and we still have a very nice Christmas. It doesn't come easy and Christian and I sacrifice almost all our Christmas gifts for our children...but this year I just want to sit with my whole family...my sisters, my parents, my nephews, my grandma, and my little family. I want to do puzzles that I usually whine about. I want to watch all the movies I did when I was little. I want to do go see the lights. Freeze in the cold. Hopefully see some snow. Everything that has nothing to do with what is under the tree.
I have hid in my house the last two Christmases. They weren't horrible...in fact they were actually quite nice...but now I want family around.
I told my sister that I just didn't want to break down...because I usually do around the holidays. She told me that she hoped I knew it was okay if I did. It was really nice to hear. I know I'm not alone. My family have been amazing mourning with me.
I hope those who struggle through the holidays know they aren't alone. I am so sorry and wish I could reach out to each of you...I know not everyone "gets" what you are going through. May everyone have at least person that does "get it." Sometimes, when I feel I am on an alien planet because I'm talking to someone who just doesn't even remotely understand, I just want to yell, "I need you to get it!"I realized that isn't always going to happen...and they may not ever understand until...sadly they join a similar path.
Cherish those who will allow you to grieve and pray to forgive those who don't understand.
