I have been silent for many reasons.
I have felt that I am just circling the same thoughts and was sure people were tired of hearing it.
I also just honestly did not know what to say. I spent many weeks thinking about this blog and whether I should continue writing it.
I do miss being able to place my thoughts down. However, it is always hard to put your feelings out where people can scrutinize and I was struggling wanting everyone able to read my innermost thoughts and feelings about a subject that is so dear to my heart.
I have had many personal struggles that have made me very confused and lost. So I just didn't think I had anything to offer anyone.
Then today I read something that stuck with me...two words: offer hope.
How many people have offered me hope? It isn't that they told me all the silver-linings and trite platitudes available to those comforting the grieving...they showed me.
Every time I hear of a difficult situation and a sweet outcome is the result it makes me reflect how I am handling the hardships that have entered my path.
Life without hope is extraordinarily bleak and dreary. I spent many days lacking and now desire to never lose the hope afforded me.
Recently I felt my faith and desire for hope were put to the test. Christian and I have always been grateful for employment, however our pay was cut and it has made life very hard. I cried many tears that night. I felt my hope evaporate and I honestly didn't know how we were going to keep our home or provide for our little family.
I did some soul searching. I was forced to put my faith in God. He was the only one who could help.
Many months went by and we made it, but it was still difficult...but the fall and winter months were approaching - which have always been hard, but now them seemed impossible. We had a deadline. October we needed another job.
Months passed and nothing was working.
Then a glimmer of hope. A friend helped us.
We went through many hoops to get hired. The final one seemed as though it were merely a formality...it was looking really possible.
Then a huge blow...it did not work out.
My first reaction typically would have crushed my hope and my faith would fail me.
This time, however, I had the distinct feeling my faith was being tested. I needed to prove that I would trust...no matter what.
I prayed so fervently.
Christian was devastated.
Then Christian's friend called on our behalf for the company to give Christian another look.
We were scheduled for that day. Then an hour later we were told it was rescheduled for the following day.
I almost shook with emotion as I tried to assure Christian that everything would be fine...no matter what.
Everything inside me wanted to break to pieces.
How many times had we hoped and been told no?!
How was this going to be different?
Almost every inquiry, even those not related to career, in the last two years had received a no.
I was sure that this would be the case again.
But I was determined to show the Lord I would not let it break me...that I would allow Him to teach me and not be angry.
The next day came. I gave my pep talk to Christian...reminding myself inside that I would take any answer graciously.
Christian's meeting felt like an eternity.
I felt my heart would rupture as I sat and waited for him.
All my energy was used in just telling myself that we would be okay.
I heard the garage door open and shut.
I was frozen in the home office.
I heard the footsteps of Christian coming toward me.
Remember! I told myself over and over. It will be okay!
I begged myself to believe.
He walked in with a strange look on his face and blurted,
"We got it!"
I honestly hadn't prepared for this. I was ready for the no.
I sobbed uncontrollably. Finally. A yes. It had been so long since I felt a desire of our hearts had been granted.
We both spent many minutes on our knees thanking Heavenly Father.
Christian told me how the meeting went and the woman he met with was willing to pull strings for us...she didn't even know us.
I will always be grateful for this woman and especially Christian's friend who made all this possible. He will never know how much it meant to our little family.
Losing Declan made it difficult to muster hope...to want anything. After many months of trying for another baby without success it reaffirmed that wanting and not receiving hurts. Then looking for a job without success was the final blow. My hope was demolished.
Slowly I have realized that it is okay to hope again. Even though it hurts so bad when we hope for things that aren't granted, it is much better than no hope at all.
I am clinging to my hope as though it were a life raft:
Hope for my future. Hope for my children. Hope for my reunion with Declan. Hope that no matter what hardship I am given I will be more than just okay. Hope that Christian and I will not just get through this...but thrive because of it.
I may not have much to offer on this blog, but maybe I can offer...hope.
