I think I finally get it. After almost two years of waiting for another little soul to come to our home...I get it.
This is my season for learning...okay I'm always learning...but this is the season for difficult learning.
I find it strange to be in the position I am in. When I was almost seven I got to be an older sister. About ten when it happened again.
My sisters were in middle and elementary school when I was married.
I really felt the chasm when I had my first baby and my sisters were still so young.
I always wanted my kids close in age...so they could grow up together. Our first was a surprise. I wasn't ready for such responsibilities when I realized I was housing a small person. It hit me...this is the beginning to our family. It wasn't just the one pregnancy it was the beginning of many. Once it began I didn't want huge breaks.
I laugh now at not wanting big breaks. Even if I were to have a baby in the next year it will be almost 5 years since we brought a baby home from the hospital. Though there is someone in that gaping hole in our family...it looks like a break.
Looking back on all my ideals I realize that I was so naive. How did I think life would be exactly as I planned? Did I not take in consideration that some of us would leave early? Of course not. Even knowing that it "might" happen you still never plan on anyone moving on to the next life prematurely...especially your children. They are supposed to outlive you, right?!
The last six months I have thought many times about my role here. Who I want to be. Where I want to go. And am I willing to accept the path I'm on...without Declan with me?
I know it sounds silly...of course nothing I do will bring him back...but I have seen many people not accept the crappy hand dealt to them.
Life is not fair.
I don't mean that in a depressing way. I find it quite liberating actually. Once we get that silly notion, that everything must be equal and perfect all the time, out of our minds...that's when real living begins.
I tell my son this every time he compares his situation to that of his sister's.
When we keep score...we're the one that loses.
I think it is easy to look around at people and see their blessings and think, "Wait why don't I have that?!"
If I continued to think that way in regard to babies I couldn't be on Facebook anymore...which I might ask to have changed to "babybook." At swear each day someone is announcing pregnancy, birth, or that they are going home from the hospital.
But I digress.
I have found it very therapeutic realizing this one little fact: life isn't fair...and it's okay that it's not. The more I see of people the more I realize that there always is that day that the crap really hits the fan for everyone...no one escapes terrible things. So today as people are nestled close to their babies, enjoying the fruits of their labors, or just having a quiet period in life...enjoy it and let them enjoy it. Life is too short for bitterness and envy.
I love the movie Count of Monte Cristo. Sadly I have never read it (on my list of books to read someday). But I love the main character and when his girlfriend explains to his best friend that her love was plenty happy with his whistle than he was with his pony...and that ate the friend up. He hated envying his poor friend. But I think that is the key...to love what we have not wish for what we don't.
One year and 11 months I have had to reflect on the unfairness of life. I have been weak and I'm sad to say I have wept bitterly when I hear the joyous occasions of bringing home a healthy baby for my friends. The mountain load of pregnancy tests taken and thrown away with tears stinging my eyes seemed to weigh heavy with each announcement.
Luckily Heavenly Father knew me better. He knew I needed this time to be grateful...for all I have. Having another baby wouldn't fix that. He knew I needed to cherish my two here. He allowed me time to grieve Declan and feel the deepest sorrows so I could rise from it better than before I was torn in two.
I am grateful for the time and to let go of all the crazy things I thought I wanted. Who cares if there looks like a 5 year gap in my family? or 6 or 7? Whenever we are blessed with more children I know that Emmy and Bryce will be excited...and I know I will.
