I realize sometimes it is ridiculous. Christian has been in the wake of my craziness when the kids were babies - if he wasn't holding the cart or stroller at ALL times, he got an ear full.
Part of the reason is my mom was careful with us.
The other part is...I just am horrified of all that can happen.
Long before Declan I would worry...about EVERYTHING! Give me 30 seconds and I can think of every possible doom that can befall us.
I have tried to lighten up. Especially since Declan. But I've failed miserably.
I have separation "issues" with my kids.
Last year when Bryce started kindergarten I thought I was never going to stop crying. Looking at his sad dejected face as I left I about ran into the room and picked him up. I knew if I did I wouldn't let go.
I forced myself out of the room. I knew he would be fine. This was something hard he would have to do...by himself.
This year was much better. He was more excited. I am feeling less stressed and overwhelmed with life in general.
But I just miss him.
I don't always understand that funny little sir...but when he isn't home the house feels so empty.
I'm lucky to have Emmy home with me...but this is my last year.
I cuddled up with her on the couch today. I just needed a snuggle from my girl-girl.
I think when Bryce is gone I realize how much of a hole each person makes when they are no longer there.
Bryce is a sweet reminder of Declan in many ways. I think about how Declan would look...which since their baby pictures were so similar I imagine much like his older brother. Bryce was a cute little toddler. His beautiful blue eyes just melted my heart...even when he was being a pain. I wonder all the time if Declan would be like him or more like Emmy.
I try not to suffocate my kids. I know they must live their own lives. I know I must protect them...but I can't prevent life from happening.
Bryce is clingy to his family and home...which makes this all the harder. If he were more excited to leave I think I wouldn't feel so terrible when I make him go to school.
Bryce jokes that he wants to stay home and go to the community college nearby.
I hope that my worries don't keep him from wanting everything he can achieve. I try not to allow him to know when I'm concerned. This year for school I didn't tell him how bad I was going to miss him...just how fun school was going to be.
I know I need to have more faith. I can't fear everything. I need to know that no matter what everything will okay. I see that each day that I still get up and take care of my kids...since September two years ago.
The world is a crazy and sometimes frightening place...but there is still so much it offers. Beautiful sunsets, magical starry skies, and breezy summer evenings...are a few treats sent to us.
People can be so hurtful and mean...but also some can be amazing, giving, and sacrificing.
I want my kids to be aware and not place themselves in danger on purpose. But I also want them to see the sunset not the gnats swarming around their heads as they go about life.
Life has possibilities...but only if I allow them to be seen.