A few days later I had pulled it together and was feeling better when at the strangest moment it hit me...Declan's not here. I was just watching Christian walking up the hill with the niece who is the closest in age to Declan. It hit me so hard and fast. Watching her toddle next to Christian reminded me that we should be chasing after a toddler. I should be calling out, "Declan! Come here buddy!"
Instead of scooping my little boy in my arms I cried all the way from the park.
I love hanging out with family...but that's when I feel the void the most. "Everyone's here" ringing out as we all gather...only we aren't all here...and won't be the rest of my life.
I haven't missed Declan the way I did on our trip. I longed for my Declan blanket. Many tears I didn't plan on were shed. I was puzzled and frustrated.
Then we left and stopped at one of Christian's customers. She asked to see us as we were waiting in the car. She reached out her sweet hand and tapped mine thanking me for the funeral program we had given her. Then she reminded me how wonderful it is to know that we will see those who have left us again. I really needed that!
Now that we are home...I am feeling better. I'm not sure if going to where Declan's buried brings back so many memories that I don't think of often...or if I feel the loss when we are with our families when we should be all together.
Part of going to see the grave I do picture holding Bryce's hand from the car. Walking to the little spot Declan's casket would be carried to by Christian. I can't help seeing Emmy stealing red roses from her brother's casket or how much my eyes stung each time I cried from overuse.
When we were at the grave on Memorial Day Christian sitting there for hours touched my heart. He quietly sat...hardly making a noise...except an occasional gentle guidance for the kids to stop playing tag in the cemetery.
We had many hours before we had a balloon release. So he sat...in the sun. No complaint how hot it was. I even had to take Emmy to the car for timeout because she was disturbing other people trying to decorate graves...and still Christian sat.
After a minute I let Emmy out and watched as she ran around the cemetery...I supposed that others wouldn't fault a child that was enjoying herself by her baby brother's grave.
I replaced Declan's stolen light, that I have now placed in my yard as well, and added a hummingbird light that changes colors. Christian was sweet and took me to the cemetery late at night to make sure it worked.
My kids even got a little turtle statue that they wanted to add...it looks like a rock in the pictures.
As we left one night I told the kids to say goodnight to Declan. They dutifully did. As we left I held Emmy in my arms and her curls brushed my cheeks as she said, "Declan's not here."
Tearfully I answered, "No he's not."
"He's in my pink house." She let me know. "He's sleeping there and waiting for me."
Tears streamed as I placed her into her car seat. "Mmmhmm." Was all I could muster.
A few minutes later as we drove she told me how funny Declan was...and I was sure that Emmy did really know how funny her little brother truly is.