Feeling I was in this dark fog that I would never remove from my life...now I do see the sun and feel its warmth. I have to say I've missed it.
I forgot what it felt like to laugh...I mean really laugh without anything stopping me. No pang...or ache to dull the eruption of laughter. I forgot what a day would feel like when I could busy myself around the house...and want to do it. I couldn't really accomplish much...just sat in my jammies all day hoping the clutter, laundry, and dishes would evaporate since I had no energy to help them back into place.
I looked at old photos of me when Emmy & Bryce were really little...
I was happy and my face illuminated from my precious life. I am starting to feel that girl again...though I truly believe now...I'm happier. Though my heart has been broken...I appreciate this happiness far more than I did with baby Emmy. I wasn't sure at times...but falling into a sorrowful place makes the climb back up sweeter and brighter...than if I never fell in the first place.
It has taken many prayerful hours to realize this isn't the time to add a little one to our family. It hurt to finally hear that answer...but once I accepted it, I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father.
Between grief and wanting...I couldn't separate my feelings from the answers from Heavenly Father. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. But now the soft sweet feeling that I know everything will be okay and one day I will get to hold another of my own children in my arms and give Emmy and Bryce the little sister or brother that they have craved for over three years.
My breath of fresh air came with a new chapter in my life. I said goodbye to my 20s. To be honest, at first, I wasn't sad to see them go...they about killed me...but then I started thinking about everything I did in my twenties...becoming a wife, a mother, and having my sweet Declan...it wasn't easy and sometimes I resented the way life happened, but it was absolutely more than worth all of the tears, frustration, and piecing together my obliterated heart.
Ironically hitting the milestone has helped me in many ways. It made me realize I still have a lot of life to live...hopefully...and dreaming is still a possibility even after sorrow and dark, dark days.
I had the opportunity to see an amazing van Gogh exhibit for my birthday. It took my breath away walking into the huge space with his works projected onto dozens of walls. He always has been my favorite painter. As I read quotes from him I felt his love for color and nature...thus creating the passion to paint. I kept wanting to reach out and touch the beautiful light projecting his works...almost becoming part of the painting for a brief moment.
Dreaming was what I brought home with me from seeing his work...
My passion to continue my journey with the book I have been writing since Emmy was a baby was lit after the exhibit. I never talk about it with anyone, but my family...but I completed the first book in a trilogy and have begun the process of trying to be published. I'm not sure if it will become what I hope it will...but I honestly am just grateful that I was able to complete it. I wasn't finished when Declan died and I almost threw it away...I didn't see how I could write any longer...it hurt too much. Somehow the loss of Declan and my outlet of writing here has made me a better writer...which probably isn't saying much.
I'm sure this blog is scattered and crazy...with a ton of typos and grammatical errors, but in this I have found myself again.
Thank you for all the support of this blog and my nonsensical ramblings. It was the way I stayed sane through the last 19 months. I might have been lost without it.
It still brings me to tears how much people have supported us. My birthday brought with it a flood of birthday wishes and I sat at my computer and felt the tears sting as I felt so loved. I always have felt very small and insignificant...no one will ever know how much it has meant to me when people reach out to me in any form. I will never forget it as long as I live.
Thank you!