I stopped running last May. I just couldn't do it any more. I was hurting and I was stressing about it so I gave up. I honestly did not plan on running again. I just wanted to set that aside for other things.
A couple of days ago I was talking to Christian about a race he wants to run in May, ironically the one that I did the last time I ran. As he talked I thought a little bit about running the race with my son and pushing my daughter in a stroller...while Christian ran way ahead of us.
After talking to my sister about the race I pulled out my running stroller and plopped my three year old inside. Placing my earbuds in my ears I began to run again.
The first couple of steps I checked my time frequently. It's only been 1:39?! Then something happened...it didn't seem so hard. I pounded the pavement at a snail's pace, but I was actually running.
I checked my watch: 7 minutes! I had planned just going 10 just so I didn't get discouraged.
I checked what felt moments later: 11 minutes!
I couldn't believe it.
I checked again not feeling tired: 14 minutes!
My mind was not understanding. I couldn't run more than 7 minutes when I started running after Declan. I couldn't run more than 10 minutes after Emmy (and I was in a lot better shape after her).
I focused that I would run 20 mins and lost myself in thought. I felt I was right back at the beginning. Declan had just died and I ran to stay sane.
Each step I got more emotional until I realized something...I'm stronger since having Declan than I had realized.
I never had the mental strength to run. As a teenager I loathed running. I remember in high school wanting to die each time they told us to run a 20 minute cool down, that is a workout in my eyes!
In college my roommate loved running and I worried about her running alone at night so I went with her and really disliked it every minute.
Then I ran my first 5k in college with Christian...it was embarrassing and miserable. I walked most of it.
After Declan died I felt that running was the only way I could get outside my crazy head. I ran and ran and ran feeling the exertion was the only reason I didn't scream my head off every day.
I felt close to Declan as I ran.
I still do.
Yesterday as I ran I felt him close.
As I rounded the corner to my house I looked at my watch: 25 minutes! I was shocked and very emotional. Tears streamed down my face as I slowed in front of my house. I'm not the same Christy that used to dislike running because she would give up before she started.
I felt as though my Heavenly Father was showing me that I am more capable than I give myself credit.
Declan has brought out a strength in me I was unaware of...even now. I am so grateful to him for that...even though sometimes I wish I could have him instead of the strength.
So I have begun another running journey...who knows how long I might do this one...but I'm excited to see.
