Disappointment touches us all. Sometimes I feel that they seem to pile up all at the same time.
Tears fall and arms wrap around myself as I try to find the strength to keep hoping that all this is meant for something.
A piece of me is screaming inside wanting to lash out angrily...nothing feels more justified in the moment seeing the hard work end in merely a slap to the face.
Each glimmer has been snuffed out almost the moment it ignited.
This time I thought that glimmer had been it...the end of an era. It was now a new chapter. Not so. Back to Chapter one.
I feel as though I have been treading water - just staying afloat and then along comes a boat that cascades a wake that shoves me under. I'm desperately clawing myself back up, but only to be consumed once again.
Haven't my efforts been valiant? Almost ten years, not enough?
Even as I write this I know the answer...yes it has. It just isn't over yet.
I know I'm not alone in the water. Many have been here and are still here...especially lately.
I'm just tired...so tired. My treading is becoming such a taxing burden.
I loath that it is difficult. I want to take each set back with grace and ease...somehow that fails me.
In my despair I opened my scriptures and read several verses before my eye and heart caught on this one...
"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."
(Alma 7:23)
Even through the disappointments and the pain that consequently plagues me I know that I am not alone. In the moment I momentarily forget...but He is always there to remind me that my pain, though small to others, isn't to Him. It matters to Him...because it matters to me and I matter to Him.
If I could calculate the tears shed for this purpose it would fill a small swimming pool. I added a good amount tonight...but I know it will be okay...even if I don't see how...
